Also, if oil speculators would stop taking advantage of the weak dollar, that would help drive down gas prices.

Relax Bob. Israel will get us into a war – not Bush.
Fact is, I’m just putting the finishing touches to a film treatment which
more or less lays out what’s gonna happen.
The title?
“Fetching Jesus – An Apocalyptic Romp In the Holy Land.”
Naturally, my People are very excited about the concept and are already shopping it.
Basically, the story centers around:
Schlomo X – An atheist Israeli agent with the Mossad assigned to give Israel a reason for a full-scale, unprovoked attack on Iran and, in the process, pull America into the war. (A Nicholas Cage type)
Pastor Johnny Johns – One of American’s most popular, powerful and wealthy TV evangelists who, in a vision on live television, received instructions from God to visit the Holy Land and “fetch’ Jesus” by triggering Armageddon, the Apocalypse, the End of the World and the subsequent Rapture – all on live TV. (A Dan Akroyd type.)
Stanton W. Walters, the host of Wolf television’s nightly prime time “Right Is Might” newscast, who’s in Jerusalem to negotiate the exclusive rights to embed his cameramen with fighters on both sides of the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict in Gaza and “wherever,” as Waters puts it. (An Alex Baldwin type.)
Boris the Bomb Maven – If it kills people, Boris has it cheaper than anybody. (A Dustin Hoffman type)
The problem, of course, is that Israel wants to bomb the snot out of Iran based on the possibility that the Arabs MIGHT be building a nuclear bomb.
Which, as Schlmo X explains, “Bush tried that one in Iraq and – if you’ll pardon the expression – it bombed.”
Which is how and why, working with Israel’s financial backers, Bush Neo-Cons and Pro-Israeli Christians in the United States, Mossad has come up with a plan: Code Name “The Iranian Solution.”
Given that few great ideas are original, The Iranian Solution is based on a scheme Hitler used to justify an unprovoked attack on Poland in August of 1939 by using 13 political prisoners dressed in Polish military uniforms to stage a fake raid on Germany.
Only Israel’s plan features a staged night attack on the Roman ruins of Caesarea in the middle of the night – using live Jewish actors and dead bodies dressed in Iranian uniforms.
Further, in repulsing the fake invasion by Iranian terrorist agents, members of the Israel Defense Force will discover the invaders came ashore with a Soviet-built nuclear suitcase bomb to be detonated during the Pope’s upcoming visit to Jerusalem where he will pray for world peace.
Which, as Boris the Bomb Maven notes, “Should piss off everybody but Darfur.”
Naturally, the Mossad agent has a lengthy shopping list when he meets Boris the Bomb Maven in a Tel Aviv strip club run by the Russian mafia.
Basically, what the Israelis are looking to buy from Boris is:
One Iranian patrol boat
24 Iranian military uniforms of assorted rank.
Suitable Iranian issue weapons and equipment for the 24 “invaders.”
One Soviet-build nuclear suitcase bomb
14 dead bodies to be dressed in Iranian uniforms
Of course there’s a great deal of haggling over the price for all this – as the camera cuts away to various shots of stunning naked Russian dancers gyrating on the stage.
But eventually, the Mossad agent and the Russian arms dealer agree on $400 million as a “package price” to equip the Iranian Solution – with Boris adding a couple of extra dead bodies in Iranian uniform to sweeten the deal.
The money, we learn, is being provided by Americans for Jesus, Jews and Israel (AJJI) – a tax-exempt religious PAC funded by Texas oilmen, Christians dedicated to the Book of Revelations, Republican Neo-Cons, militant Zionists, and the U.S. defense industry.
Which is why Pastor Johnny Johns is in Jerusalem with the money ($200 million now and the rest after “Jewish jets inflict God’s will on Iran.”
Which is how Boris the Bomb Maven and Schlmo X meet Pastor Johnny for the first payment on a religious tour bus filled with a hymn-singing collection of Old Timey Black Pentecostals come to Jerusalem to be washed in the blood.
And from there, as they say, the narrative line develops.
Among the highlights:
- Unable to find a riot to film in Gaza, the Wolf Television news team begins distributes ham sandwiches to the starving Arab children (which soon does the job.)
- Boris delivers the dead bodies to Schlomo X at night in a Kosher slaughterhouse outside of Tele Aviv. Trouble is, the dead are all over 60, with a third of them female. (“Who mentioned sex or age in our deal?” says Boris.)
- Pastor Johnny becomes trapped with a Rabbi and a Catholic priest in a hotel elevator on the Sabbath – with each clergyman struggling (and failing) to control his bladder while a repairman is being assaulted outside by a gathering or Orthodox Jews outraged by work being done on the Sabbath.
- Pursued by Arab agents, Boris and Schlomo stage a mad cap chase with the wheeled nuclear suitcase bomb as they dash through a horde of pilgrims tracing the same route Jesus took to the Crucifixion. And then the nuclear suitcase bomb gets mixed up with a dozen identical wheeled suitcases being dragged along the Way of Sorrows by a bunch of very butch Italian nuns, several of whom beat Boris senseless. (Boris comes to in terror as a bearded Greek monk attempts to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. While Schlomo X is pinned beneath a 300 pound wooden cross dropped by a Jesus re-enactor.)
- Seized by the Holy Spirit, Pastor Johnny begins speaking in tongues (very loudly) while visiting the Dome of the Rock, Islam’s second most holy shrine.
- Enter Stanton Walters and his Wolf TV camera crew who have filmed the entire Way of Sorrows chase scene – including the nuclear suitcase battle with the nuns. (Which is how Wolf TV gets the exclusive rights to cover a “definitely possible terrorist night landing in the very near future.”)
- Schlomo X struggles to train the fake Iranian “soldiers” who will participate in the bogus landing – only to discover they are all outrageously Gay Israeli actors recruited by Mosaad. (A major problem arises when they actors discover their Iranian uniforms reek of sweat and body odor from their previous owners.)
- A naked Boris is whipped by two semi-nude Arab beauties wearing black leather things and religious veils.
- Pastor Johnny suffers an attack of very loud gas while trying to
convert Schlomo X in the grotto where Jesus was born – which results in the two being assaulted and evicted from Jesus’ birthplace by a band of outraged monks.
- Wolf TV Anchor Walters is sexually assaulted by a male camel in heat
at the Western Wall.
And so on.
Naturally, there’s a whole lot more.
But you get the idea.
Besides, the only reason I’m blogging this is to give you a heads about the hot project I’ve been working on. (Right now, my only problem is to figure out how to work a Mexican into the film for the Latin market. But My People tell me I’ll be okay with the Black market if I can do a lot more with one of the Gospel singers.)
But I digress.
The zany fun and belly laughs really kick in during the fake landing by the Gay Israeli soldiers in Iranian drag. (Picture six seasick Queens firing blanks from their AK-47’s as they come vomiting ashore as the Wolf Television news crew struggle to “make it look real” – which they do.)
Stunned by pictures of the Iranian “terrorists and their nuclear suitcase bomb, the U.S. calls for the creation of the Coalition of the Righteous – which consists of combat units from Haiti and Chad (unfortunately, the right wing falls off Haitian Air Force transport as the aircraft prepares for take-off.)
So much for Act One.
Act Two begins with Israel bombing the snot out of Iran and ends when Pastor Johnny steals the nuclear suitcase bomb and sets out to detonate it in the Valley of Har Megiddo – which, in the Book of Revelations is called Armageddon. (Of course, there’s a hilarious chase scene between Pastor Johnny behind the wheel of his Church’s mobile TV van and the tour bus filled with the Black Gospel singers.)
Act Three, however, is very, very short with a whole lot of Computer Generated FX , Pastor Johnny speaking in tongues as he opens his suitcase beneath Har Megiddo while the Black Gospel group sings “That Great Gettin’ Up,” Schlomo on the phone being scolded by his irate mother for “not coming to dinner”, more beatings for Boris from his Arab lovelies, Wolf Newsman Walters doing a stand up on the “price of freedom,” screaming hordes of Israeli and American jets pounding Iran, Haitian mechanics struggling to reattach the wing to their rusty aircraft – all of which ends as the Pope calls for world peace in Jerusalem beneath a giant mushroom cloud.
Hint #3: The final credits roll over the scene from Planet of the Apes where a semi-nude and very hunky Charlton Heston on horseback howls YOU FOOLS! upon discovering the rusting ruins of the Statue of Liberty on a deserted beach.
NOTE: True, there’s a good chance Israel and the United States will have already invaded Iran by the time we begin filming “Fetchin’ Jesus.” No problem. We’ll just substitute Iran with another Arab country that vexes the Jews and the Neo-Cons (Like Syria or Lebanon.) Trust me. My People say this dog will hunt!

Great stuff John, and funny, including the title (though I think it should be Fetching Jesus without the colloquialism).

Oh, and the ECB is going to help raise those oil prices tomorrow by raising rates in the Eurozone, further kicking the dollar's ass (as Jessica noted) and sending oil to the moon. Or that's what my financial people are saying right now. It's still the Chimp-in-Chief's fault. If Bush and Bernanke had done something to shore up the dollar and stop inflation (what the goddaman Fed was allegedly invented to do) instead of pumping up the derelict banks and the crooked stock market, we wouldn't be in this predicament right now.

So Pulp, what you're saying is you'll rather have $40 oil (like that will happen even if you take Bush out of the equation) in exchange for Iran having nuclear weapons capability?

American electorate = can't see anything beyond the their two hands.

Steve, quit ginning up war, you twit. There is no reason to bomb Iran now. It's Iraq all over again. Let's get some decent leadership in this country before we let warmongers like you scare people up into another idiotic blood frenzy.

It's amazing how so many people lay every problem we have now at Bush's feet. It boggles the imagination. I'm no fan of Bush, but you are seriously delirious if you think the presidents office alone has enough power to drive oil up like this and create every other problem there is, all by itself. I'm going to be doubly glad when he is out of office: the democratically controlled Congress will no longer have any excuses, and you nitwits will be left scratching your heads about where next to lay blame. Tell me - why is it just about every media outlet is both liberal and Democrat, if one wants to go off on half-brained conspiracy theories.....

Sid is a putz and should be fired for this remark. Not funny.

Jeff, like any Bush apologist, you have to misconstrue things even to make a phony point. I didn't say that Bush alone has driven up the price of oil. In fact, I mentioned basic supply and demand as a culprit. I said he is driving it up AT THE MOMENT with his (and Israel's) moronic saber-rattling at Iran. I honestly believe that if you took the threats to start dropping more bombs off the table, oil would be at around 120 right now. It just keeps upward pressure on that damn commodity. Where does the buck stop with you Jeff? Nancy Pelosi? Please. The reason you're hearing all these complaints about the chimp has nothing to do with party politics. It's because he's not only a dull, belligerent, and incurious leader who grunts out his asinine speeches, but he's a criminal who has bankrupted America with his dirty war and shifted more wealth from the people to his rich friends (too bad Kenny Boy at Enron had to get caught!) than anyone thought possible at the beginning of his disastrous presidency. Then there's Dick Cheney, the darkest force ever to appear in American politics. The two of them have led us to war and economic depression. It will take a miracle for the next president to get us back to par after these vile bastards mercifully leave the public stage.

Wait a sec, I thought we were supposed to WANT oil to be expensive so that we're forced to do away with our over-reliance on fuel. Isn't high gas prices the best way to do that?

I can't believe this is even online via the Tampa Tribune. This is the most pathetic blog I've ever read! Anyone who thinks ONE MAN (I don't care who he is) can effect the WHOLE WORLD is "out there." I wonder what all those other polical beings are on Capital Hill? I guess they all just sit around agreeing with Bush? And I wonder why we drive around with "Free Tibet" all over our Volvos but can't get our minds wraped around this Iraq situation. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You are just so programed. BARF!

AND one other issue - I think it is the mortgage industry and the individual greed that went along with it on so many levels that has bankrupt our country! No one wants to take personal responsiblity. All you're doing in pointing fingers. We are in a serious crisis in this country and those responsible are all around us. I have first hand exposure every day. I'm the one that gets to look at all the mortgages that never should have been granted and it's a bigger mess than a gallon of gas could ever even imagine causing. WAKE UP! People need to get off the oil hype. We should have been looking at alturnatives to it years ago, but we all sat on our fat American asses and let countries overseas do all the work. We are the only ones to blame!

No wonder the press is losing so many idiots. People with no brains whatsoever keep writing such garbage.

WOW!
I think the Dems know they screwed up with putting a stop to drilling and building new refineries so now there making an assult on our president. Oil went up 75% since the Dem got congress. I would put the blame on them.