And The Winner Is ...

Categories: Politics

At left is Satterlee

A reader has correctly answered the burning question: Who is the third wheel in that weird Alan Koslow/Mara Giulianti photograph? The answer: Joy Satterlee, director of the Art and Culture Center of Hollywood. The winner: Asa Boynton, the famed Hairy Fairy and neighborhood crime fighter. He gets a veritable potpourri of gifts, including an official New Times trucker hat. Congratulations, Asa. For those of you who didn't win, there's still hope. We're still waiting for some lucky reader to tell us precisely where and when the strangely ghoulish photo was taken.

Driving Us To Distraction
The Palm Beach Post, not content with the content on its 752 already existing blogs, has added "The Cone Zone." It's a blog about traffic written by the venerable Chuck McGinness which the newspaper is marketing pretty heavily. And it definitely proves the old adage that reading about traffic is almost -- almost -- as good as the real thing. You feel like you're in a horrible five-mile back-up on I-95 after just the first couple posts.

Psycho Killer, Qu'est Que C'est?
Look, I'm almost done writing about this sick pup, but in the interest of understanding the true nature of evil, I offer yet another snippet from Oklahoma child-killer and wannabe people-eater Kevin Underwood's blog (which is still up and now has reached about 200,000 visits). This is a questionaire he filled out a couple years ago (I've highlighted the more interesting parts):

GENERAL*
-Name: Kevin Underwood
-School: None. When I was in College, I went to The University of Science and Arts of Oklahoma.
-Mascot: They were The Drovers.
-Age: 24
-Siblings/names: Marci

*OTHER STUFF ABOUT YOU*
-Who are your best friends?: Chris, Alicia, and Melissa, in no certain order.
-How many people are on your buddylist?: 3.
-Are you on a sports team?: God, no. I fucking hate sports.
-Plans after high school: I've been out of school since 1998, and I still don't know what the fuck I'm going to do with my life.
-Best feeling in the world?: Oral Sex. Just kidding. I know what it really meant. Not that I'd know much about it, but the best feeling in the world is when your love for someone is actually returned.
-Worst feeling?: Well, I've lived most of my life suffering from depression and social anxiety, so I'd have to say that's one of the worst feelings. Being so nervous around people you can barely leave the house.






-Do you have a job?: A sucky one, yes.
-Are you bored?: Almost always.
-Whats your religion?: None. I'm not really religious at all, but the few beliefs I do have are a complex mix of at least a dozen different religions and cults.
-Do you have any stuffed animals?: Several. I prefer the term "plushies" though. They are dolls of anime and comic book characters.
-Are you a vegitarian?: No. I love meat.
-Do you smoke?: Very occasionally.

*LAST*
-CD you bought: The Polyphonic Spree, Together We're Heavy. I highly recommend this cd.
-Movie you saw in the theater: Damn, uhhh. Fahrenheit 9/11, I think.
-Person you kissed: Answer withheld. Though I will say I've only kissed two people in my life.
-Phone number you called: The Landlady, to report the domestic disturbance going on next door, but noone was there.
-TV show you watched: I don't have TV. So the last thing I watched was probably Wheel of Fortune over at my parent's house about a week ago. I watch a lot of DVDs though, some of them are of TV shows.
-Time you were on a plane: Only once, a couple of years ago, when I went to Nevada to see Chris.
-Went swimming in the ocean: Never. I've hardly ever even seen the ocean. I've seen San Francisco Bay, and that's it.
-Cursed at someone: Today at work. Though not to their face.
-Gave someone the finger: Never, except as a joke. I've never seriously flipped anyone off.
-Went skinny dipping: Never

*HAVE YOU EVER*
-Went skiing: No.
-Talked to yourself: Constantly.
-Went to a professional baseball game: No, and I don't plan on ever going to one.
-Ate sushi: Yes, once. Finally, I've been wanting to for years. It was this really cheap buffet sushi, it was barely even real sushi. I want to try some real, authentic sushi soon.
-Wanted to die: Yes.
-Scared to get a shot: Yes. I fucking hate shots. Just thinking about it hurts.
-Thought you were in love: Yes, and I usually am. I fall in love very easily.
-Had an online relationship: Ugh, several. Never again. And I mean that this time.
-Gotten caught: Doing what? Sneaking out of the house? Masturbating? I don't think I've ever been caught doing anything I shouldn't have been.
-Gone to another country: No.
-Wet the bed: I wet the bed until an embarrasingly late age.
-Broken the law: Who hasn't? Nothing major though, just stuff like speeding.
-Killed someone in your thoughts: Constantly.
-Been beat up: Pretty much constantly for the first 16 years of my life.
-Beaten up someone before: No.

*FAVORITES*
-Movie: Too many to name. A few of my absolute favorites would be "Fight Club," "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," "Silence of the Hams," and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail."
-Season: Winter.
-Love song: Alicia said "Love Song by the Cure." That is one of my all time favorite songs, but I'd have to say that my favorite love song is probably "To Love Somebody," by the BeeGees.
-Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: No, and I've never really had one. There was a girl I went out with a few times, but she didn't want a real relationship.
-Are you a virgin?: No.
-If not do you wish you were still?: No. I wish I'd had lots more sex than I have.
-Big turn-on?: Not really sure what my biggest turn on is. My "type" is definitely smart, I hate stupid people. Also, she has to have a sense of humor, a weird one is best. Oh, my biggest turn on would probably be glasses. I love girls with glasses. I also have a major "thing" for Asian girls, especially Japanese.
-Do you want anyone right now?: Yes.

*WHO*.......
-Is the last person you said "i love you" to: I haven't told anyone I loved them except for my parents. And I haven't even told them that since I was a very young child.
-Is the last person to tell you they love you: My mom.
-Would you want to meet: I don't know. If it was anyone in history, I'd want to meet Albert Einstein, John F. Kennedy, and Lee Harvey Oswald. If it's someone alive right now, I'm not sure. Gary Oldman [who played Oswald]?
-Was the last person to make you smile: I don't know. No one, today.
-What is your most prized object?: Probably my computer. Though there's nothing really special about this computer, it could be any computer, as long as it had my files on it.
-What are you wearing right now?: You really want to know? Nothing. I'm a part-time nudist. If I'm at home alone, 99% of the time I'm naked.

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