Broward Palm Beach News Blog

NEW TIMES DON'T KNOW SH*T

NOTE - I sent this comment to the Pulp, but apparently the New Times' policy is to rant righteous ONLY when another member of South Florida's media fucks up. JdeG
Anyhow....
As a retired newspaperman, it pains me deeply when I see a young reporter blow a great story the way New Times' Penn Bullock sadly screwed the pooch with his coverage of sewage in Wilton Manors in this week's editor of your paper.
To be fair, of course, not many of today's young reporters know sh*t about sewage.
No matter.
Facts are that when it comes to sewage, Wilton Manor's defies the both laws of physics and the basics of shit.
How so?
Allow me to explain with analogy based on the Tao of Beer Drinking – where what is consumed at the bar is eventually released in a restroom or parking lot in more or less equal amounts.
Or as Wilton Manors' august Commissioner Scott Newton well knows from his research at Red's World Famous Bar, what goes in has gotta come out.
Trouble is, if Wilton Manors drank Bud Lite, its drinking habits would defy both the basic laws of physics and the Tao of Beer Drinking.
This is because – to continue the Red's Bar analogy – Wilton Manors is leaving more Bud Lite in the urinal than it's tossing down at the bar.
Which is clearly either a staggering anomaly worthy of Guinness Book of Records , or a matter for the Church as the sort of thing Jesus did with water and wine.
Either way, the New Times' Penn Bullock pissed away a truly great story.
Just consider the following data which details the pattern of Wilton Manor's consumption of potable water versus its production of sewage – which should clearly adhere to the Tao of Beer Drinking and the basic laws of physics that require a general consistency in what is consumed versus what is discharged.
NOTE: For the sake of clarity, I have converted the data into the daily gallons of drinking water consumed by a Wilton Manors resident versus the daily gallons of sewage he/she generates in over a six-year period.
….Water Consumed versus Sewage Created
….Per Average Wilton Manors Resident

…Drinking Water (In)....Sewage (Out)
…2003..120.5 gallons....101.8 gallons
.2004..131.6 gallons....123.9 gallons
.2005..134.8 gallons....159.3 gallons
.2006..131.9 gallons....131.3 gallons
.2007..117.6 gallons....144.9 gallons
.2008..112.1 gallons....181.9 gallons
…..........SOURCE: City of Wilton Manors
All of which means, that on a daily basis, the average Wilton Manors resident is consuming less potable water while discharging way more sewage than he/she did a few years before.
Which, according to the laws of physics, is RWS – or Really Weird Sh*t, to borrow from the late George Carlin.
Naturally,a reporter more familiar with sh*t, would have pressed Wilton Manors' City Commissioners to explain the dramatic anomaly in the amount of drinking water they buy from Fort Lauderdale versus the amount of sewage they pay them to treat asking such basic journalistic questions as:
-What's going on – and also why?
-Has Wilton Manors been slammed by an epidemic of leaking toilets?
-Should someone contact the Guinness Book of Records?
-Or the Church?
-Or what?
Clearly, after 40 years in the newspaper game,I feel the above questions merit intelligent answers from those in charge sh*t in Wilton Manors.
After all, as Penn Bullock noted in his article, Wilton Manors Mayor Gary Resnick HIMSELF expressed official anguish over the voters' water and sewer bills, which, as the mayor vexed, “already are among the highest (rates) in the count.”
The Mayor's official angst stemmed from the tsunami of water water flooding our city's sewer system (and lift stations) – apparently (acccording to Mayor Gary) created by the new residential developments that between 2003 and 2008:
- Added 232 residents to the city's population*.
- Slammed the city's wastewater system with an additional 1,047,000 gallons of sewage a day – which, to again borrow from the late George Carling, is some Serious Sh*t.
Which, as one newly enthralled by sewage, leads me to wonder HOW IN GOD'S NAME ARE THESE 232 NEW RESIDENTS GENERATING SO MUCH SH*T?
Plus what is it about all these new developments like Wilton Station and Belle Isle that makes them so attractive to all these Mega Sh*t Machers who've been moving in?
I mean, these are hardly hysterical questions.
Because no way does this amount of sh*t just HAPPEN
Especially when you consider that – on a per capita basis – each of the 232 new residents who moved into Wilton Manors since 2003 (on a per capita basis) appears to be flushing more than 4,500 gallons of filth into our sewer system every day of the week – an amount which can only be described as some Really Serious Sh*t.
Which is why someone might want to contact the people in charge of world records at Guinness.
Or the church.
That said and as a Wilton Manors resident with a passion for old fashion journalism, I'm hoping the New Times will revist Penn's screwup and address a few of the truly bewildering anomalies raised in this letter.
Naturally, I am especially concerned by these bizarre matters given Mayor Resnick's on-going anguish over the huge amount of sewage generated by these 232 people who've moved into Wilton Manors since 2003 may force the city to increase my monthly water and sewer bill.
Naturally, given the staggering amount of wastewater these 232 new residents are dumping into the sewage system, no intelligent person should dismiss Mayor Resnick – nor I – as two more silly Drama Queens of Sewers.
Botttom line?
What we have here is either a miracle, a world record – or an ancient storm sewer system draining millions of gallons of water into the city's outdated sewer system* (*However, if it IS the systems storm system that's causing Wilton Manors to pay Fort Lauderdale's treatment plant serious money every time it rains, then it's hard to see how or why new developers like Wilton Station, Belle Isle or the Gables should be forced to pay to fix what a screwed up infrastructure.)
Anyhow...
Hopefully, the editors of New Times will ask Penn Bullock to dig deeper into the Great Wilton Manors' Sh*t Mystery.
I mean, just the impossible numbers suggests there's way, way more shit to this story than Penn's "news peg" that another tin home politician sold out for a few campaign bucks -- which is hardly a journalistic grabber in South Florida.

*Population numbers for 2003 and 2008 provided by the University of Florida's Bureau of Economic and Business Research