Top Ten Musical Flops of 2014

Categories: Talking Shit

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Christopher Victorio

Was it just us, or did it seem like every time we turned around this year, we caught a glimpse of Miley Cyrus' nips making headlines? Don't get us wrong, we're far from prudes. The Free the Nipple movement is an important one. But, you can't deny that it must have been a lackluster year when a former teenybopper's proclivity for taking off her top was the most discussed thing in music.

Well if it wasn't for Cyrus' Instragram, 2014 would certainly have gone down as the year of the booty since twerking hit the mainstream. From Nicki Minaj's, "Anaconda," to that ridiculous bubble butt smorgasbord that was Jennifer Lopez and Iggy Azalea's "Booty," women's backsides also seemed to take center stage this year.

But music, friends, is actually about more than objectifying or worshiping the female form.

What happened to true artistry? Sure there were some bright spots in 2014. There were fantastic albums made by women like St. Vincent, FKA Twigs, and Sharon Van Etten, to name a few. There was a sweet My Bloody Valentine album released and a spirited Replacements reunion that had the band performing at 30 Rockefeller nearly 30 years after getting banned from Saturday Night Live.

But headlines still tended toward the lascivious. So in honor of this year of the butt, we'd like to take a look at the ten biggest bottoms of 2014.

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Beerfest 2014 Checklist: What You'll Need to Party Properly This Saturday

Categories: Talking Shit

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Max Reed

Maybe you've been going to the New Times' Original Beerfest for the past 17 years and have a memory clouded by alcohol or maybe you're a festival virgin and have no clue what'll happen when your mega-brewski cherry pops this Saturday. Either way, you need to know what to expect when you step foot in Esplanade Park for the festivities.

We've got a handy checklist here with damned fine advice for you suds-guzzlers, hops connoisseurs, and party animals. It'll enlighten you on which bands are playing, what beers will be flowing, and where your head should be at when you arrive.

See also: Beerfest Is Saturday: Two Dozen Beers to Watch Out For

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Quiz: Where Do You Fall on the Geriatric Gen-X Spectrum?

Categories: Talking Shit

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It just seems to creep up on you, doesn't it? Suddenly one morning, you notice a few gray hairs have commandeered space on your scalp. This is precious real estate, considering how far that hairline has receded in the past year. Most of your old high school pals are popping out babies, and maybe you've got a few of your own. You think about mutual funds. The time to book that digital rectal exam is steadily approaching.

In life, it's get old or die. And since you're still reading, you're aging. See that bright shiny speck of joviality in your rear-view mirror? That was your youth. Gone. Wave bye-bye.

For many of us music-loving members of the group classified as Generation X, it wasn't the above that alerted us that we're closing in on "old." Nope, it was two weeks ago, when Green Day, Nine Inch Nails, N.W.A., and the Smiths were all nominated for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The soundtrack to our pubescent years now stands alongside the likes of Chuck Berry, Elvis Presley, and Etta James.

It seems like just yesterday that we were cranking "William It Was Really Nothing" in our Ford Tempos in an attempt to snap ourselves out of the deep funk of youth. Did we miss other musical warning signs that could have helped us come to grips sooner? Indeed, in retrospect, they were there. And it is with a hearty cup of Metamucil in hand that we drafted these handy checkpoints to help you determine where you, music nerds, currently land on the Gen-X geriatric scale.


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11 Weird and Somewhat Stupid Band Names

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It stands to reason that to brand itself effectively, a band must have a name that's also subversive and memorable. During the initial flush of the British Invasion, parents were forced to ponder the meaning of band handles like the Beatles, Pretty Things, Zombies, the Kinks, and the Who (as to the what and why). Those names seem innocent enough now, compared to many acts today whose titles are geared toward implying idiocy, irony, or insult. We've compiled a list of weird and suggestive band names; they defy the norm and inspire a second glance. Add your favorite horrible band name in the comments.

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Ten Most Annoying Drunk Dudes You Meet at a Bar

Categories: Talking Shit

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Illustrations by Serena Dominguez

No question, we here at the County Grind like to have a good time, have some laughs, and enjoy a few libations. Doesn't everybody? But sometimes we can get a little carried away in our merriments: One drink leads to another leads to a thousand.

Ever had a night like that? Ever been the sloppy drunk at the bar? Ever been 86'd from your favorite watering hole?

Sure there are those happy-go-lucky, life-of-the-party, shitfaced folks, but most of the time, an overly inebriated person just proves a public nuisance. You want to avoid those annoying boozers at any cost, so we're here to help.

What follows is a handy guide to help determine what kind of drunk dudes to avoid at the bar. Or, more realistically, the kind of drunk you don't want to become after imbibing entirely too much alcohol.

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Rap Shirts for White People Are Painfully Accurate

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Whoa! Check it out! The internet did something funny again! Oh, internet. You're too much. The latest soon-to-be-viral phenomenon addresses a serious issue that many aren't sensitive to in our day and age -- that it's hard out here for a white person. So damned hard. And for those porcelain-fleshed, plaid-shorts-wearing beings so inclined to grasp onto any bit of culture and pretend it's their own, it's even harder.

Despite being in the highly diversified South Florida, we still have our fair share of white-boy bros who don't exclusively rap out to Macklemore and Eminem. They treat all rappers with the same feigned understanding. For those freckled fellows who shout "THIS IS MY SHIIIIIIIT!" upon hearing a song about coming up from the streets, Rap Shirts for White People is for you!

Yes, these are exactly what they sound like. They take famous rap lines and make them a little more relatable for all the crackers out there. What a good deed, amirite? Let's take a look at some of our favorites and read a few of our own.

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9 Best Band T-Shirts to Wear to an Urban Outfitters Interview

Categories: Talking Shit

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Colin Young-Wolff

Times are tough friends, and freelancing does not pay as much as it used to. Eating ramen noodles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner gets old quick, no matter how much siracha you put on it. Because of these reasons, and the incessant need to make rent every month, this freelancer went (rather reluctantly) in search of a day job. We sent out tons of applications, for all sorts of gigs -- retail, service industry, sales, you name it. One of the places we heard back from first was Urban Outfitters.

We panicked about going in for an interview. Are we hip enough to make the cut? Urban Outfitters has long ruled the world's hipster apparel market. But most people look ridiculous in skinny jeans, and we don't own one pair of those faux thick-rimmed glasses. Our haircut isn't buzzed on one side either.

We needed to figure out how to nail this gig. And we realized that would require the right band T-shirt. One that says, "Yeah I'm with it, I've got my finger on the pulse of the scene." But which one is the right one? After the jump, help us chose the right shirt.


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18 Signs Your Band Might Suck

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Nickelback knows how to suck in style.

It's been about a year now since you've been plugging away with your garage rock band, sweating in a non-air-conditioned warehouse space, and losing sleep over late-night practices. Mostly it's resulted only in your showing up late for your retail gig at Urban Outfitters. All this time, and you and your group of guys or gals have yet to reap the benefits of all that hard work. What gives? Is there something wrong with your sound? Maybe you just need a bassist with more oomph? Or is it that audiences just don't get what you are going for?

These are all valid questions, but which one is the reason you haven't blown up yet? How many more gigs can you perform for audiences of two or three? It's getting frustrating for sure, but no worries -- County Grind is always here to help. We got together with a few local notable musicians and crafted this nifty checklist to help you find out if it's just that your band sucks.


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Six Coolest New Clubs and Bars in Fort Lauderdale and West Palm Beach

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Ian Witlen

South Florida's nightlife scene can be fickle. What once was your favorite EDM/alterna-electro joint flipped to a merengue and bachata club overnight. Sure, the beats are still good, but you haven't the slightest idea how to move your hips so fluidly. And you miss your favorite DJs. Where did they go?

It's a world that's hard to keep track of, packed with dozens of surprises and great lighting. This past year, a bevy of new clubs and bars has arisen. Some of our favorite spots shuttered their doors, sure, but we've compiled a list of the top six new clubs in Broward and Palm Beach counties to help you, dear reader, find a new hangout to get down.

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The Ten People You'll Meet Out in Hollywood, Florida

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Michele Sandberg

Oh, Hollywood, Florida, that mysterious land just north of the Miami madness. It has its fair share of lovable freaks. Some of us here at County Grind call it home, and we're endlessly intrigued by its curious mix of characters.

To know the city is to know its people, and through some intensive people-watching exercises, we've narrowed it down to ten "types" that inhabit Hollywood's parts. Admittedly, we've generalized a bit, but we can definitely say that everyone there is at least a variation of one of these archetypes, ourselves included.

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