Five Things Sexier Than Miley Cyrus at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards

Categories: MTV VMA's


It's almost noon. So by now, you've at least seen a clip of Miley Cyrus' 2013 MTV Video Music Awards performance. And you're still cringing. We can actually feel the heat the whole world is generating in the collective horrified blush that this set into motion, right here from our computer. Watching a former child star awkwardly flail around, then placing one of those finger things you get at a football game between her long skinny legs and humping the air is, in one word, traumatizing.

The weirdest thing isn't Miley sticking her tongue out sideways and fake-licking her braid as she saunters down a ladder, wide-eyed and crazy, wearing a Jeremy Scott-like cartoon-cat leotard. It's that it doesn't seem like Miley's even on drugs!

She pranced around like a drunk mom at a bar mitzvah during "We Can't Stop," then did her pretend twerk (That isn't how you twerk, Miley! Google it! UGH!) on Robin Thicke's unwanting genitals during "Blurred Lines." During "Give It 2 U," we felt such shame for 2 Chainz and Kendrick Lamar that it's hard for us to continue to write.

But alas, we shall! Hannah Montana's vulgar and goofy performance was the least sexy thing thine eyes have seen, and just to prove a point, here are five not-hot things that are sexier than Miley's romp around MTV's stage.

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Five Bands That Sucked More with New Singers; Misfits' Michele Graves Plays Propaganda

It's pretty common for fans of the Misfits to shit on anything the band did following the departure of Glenn Danzig. All things considered, the re-animated Misfits was a totally different Frankenstein's monster than the original lineup, but we here at County Grind are secure enough to admit that there really is no such thing as a "guilty pleasure," and as such we submit that the Misfits albums featuring Michale Graves' velveteen croon were really fun records! They've got chugging guitars, pounding drums, plenty of horror film references, and more "whoa-oh-ohs" than you can shake a clenched fist at. 

And besides, there are plenty of legendary bands that continued to make records and tour with a fresh face on lead vox that sucked exponentially more relative to their previous lineups than the Graves era Misfits. Just to prove that point, here's a completely useless list to distract you from whatever constructive things you had planned to do on the internet today. 

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MTV's Video Music Awards Suck, Here Are 10 (More) Reasons Why

Will Kanye make the 2012 VMAs less of a snooze than last year's?

See also 

Smell that? No, we didn't crap our pants. It's bullshit season!

Music Television is a fiction. At one point, somewhere around 1992, it was a real thing. But now, the chief network responsible for providing us with concurrent melodic and visual entertainment has devolved into a 24/7 Jerry Springer-style faux-reality marathon. So why MTV still annually presents the sham that is the Video Music Awards completely baffles us. Shouldn't they be granting awards to, like, Pauly D's hair dresser? Or maybe to whomever has the truest life or is the youngest teen to procreate?

Either way, the network insists on hosting the VMAs. And, therefore, we insist on letting you know why it's a total fucking joke.

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MTV Video Music Awards Host Kevin Hart's Celebrity Jokes That Flopped

Kevin Hart is the latest comedian to be crowned host of the MTV Video Music Awards. In the past, this honor was granted to funny folks from Chris Rock to Arsenio Hall to Chelsea Handler, and even to no one in 2007 (#fail). But unlike those other people who actually make us laugh, the 2012 headliner just isn't rubbing us the right way.

In a recent appearance on Good Afternoon America, Hart's lackluster comedic qualities were in full effect. When host Lara Spencer asked how he planned to rev up the crowd at the September 9 ceremony, Hart proudly announced "I'm a sex symbol, so I'm just gonna show up and the crowd's gonna go crazy." Oh, ok. 

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