Rap Shirts for White People Are Painfully Accurate


Whoa! Check it out! The internet did something funny again! Oh, internet. You're too much. The latest soon-to-be-viral phenomenon addresses a serious issue that many aren't sensitive to in our day and age -- that it's hard out here for a white person. So damned hard. And for those porcelain-fleshed, plaid-shorts-wearing beings so inclined to grasp onto any bit of culture and pretend it's their own, it's even harder.

Despite being in the highly diversified South Florida, we still have our fair share of white-boy bros who don't exclusively rap out to Macklemore and Eminem. They treat all rappers with the same feigned understanding. For those freckled fellows who shout "THIS IS MY SHIIIIIIIT!" upon hearing a song about coming up from the streets, Rap Shirts for White People is for you!

Yes, these are exactly what they sound like. They take famous rap lines and make them a little more relatable for all the crackers out there. What a good deed, amirite? Let's take a look at some of our favorites and read a few of our own.

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Crazy Hood Film Academy's Avaricious Needs Your Help


"Between greed and desire lies necessity." That's the tag atop the teaser poster for Crazy Hood Film Academy's (CHFA) upcoming short narrative film Avaricious. Michael Garcia and DJ EFN have been steadily making a name for themselves outside of South Florida since the release of their excellent documentary on Cuba's current underground hip-hop scene, Coming Home. Lauded in the festival circuit and currently on rotation on Puff Daddy's Revolt TV, the success of the film led to another documentary focusing on Lima, Peru,'s hip-hop that is currently in postproduction.

DJ EFN is already a legend in hip-hop and mix-tape circles, and Garcia, a heavy-hitter in the local rap scene, is no stranger to behind-the-camera work, as he has directed numerous videos for acts like Tech N9ne, Kat Dahlia, and N.O.R.E. He's now switching focus to a more straightforward narrative in what will be the first of four short films detailing the influence and tangible disruption of money within the microcosm of South Florida.

See also: Tech N9ne on "That Fast Flow," Strangeulation, and Being a "Job Creator"

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Laser Wolf's New Promo Director on Playing "the Douchebag"


Fort Lauderdale's hot spot, Laser Wolf, is surely no stranger to the film world. Having already been the host of a wild and raunchy music video for Death Jam's aptly titled "Death Wolf." The Broward bar has seen its fair share of the nasty and naughty.

So what's a couple gallons of fake blood to them?

In Laser Wolf's newest video promo, we meet some classic loafer wearing, Yelp reading a-holes seeking Sobe drinks. Written and directed by local BJ Golnick, the clip is as bizarre and hilarious as anything you'd expect to come out of a bunch of Fort Lauderdale creatives.

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World of Beer and Main Event Talent Have Beef Over Payment of Bands

Categories: Just In , News


Last night, chaos broke loose on the interwebs as the owner of Main Event Talent Agency, Judy Blem, posted an angry text photo on the company's Facebook page demanding that World of Beer pay outstanding debts for bands that have played at the company's venues.

World of Beer, a popular chain of bars that specifically notes live music as a key part of its culture, was attacked repeatedly in the comments -- there are 54 comments so far and Blem's post has been shared 155 times. Main Event's post claimed that there remains "21 unpaid invoices for 42 gigs performed at 3 South Florida WOB locations (Dadeland, Midtown & Wellington), dating back from July 19th through September 28th, 2013." The post claimed that the invoices had been repeatedly sent to Reeves Krumin Enterprises LLC (RKE LLC) but have been ignored by the franchise for over six months.

We contacted Judy Blem to discuss the matter further, but she declined to give a statement because of legal concerns. "I have to be careful of what I say," she told us, though throughout the rest of the night, someone commenting through her Main Event's Facebook continued to comment on the photo, defending Blem and giving out more details.

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Dollar Draft Beer Found in Broward

Categories: Just In , News


Broward, you big beautiful beer-bloated lush, what would the rest of South Florida do without you? Of all the beer joints, gin saloons, watering holes and dives across the lower portion of the state, you probably have the finest. I think I can confidently say that. It's science.

Last month, New Times conducted a very serious shoe-leather investigation. Everywhere we looked around in the 305 and 954, prices were creeping up: rent, real estate, gas, and especially, the price of beer. The latter trend shouldn't surprise anyone. In drinking culture, haughty is the new trend, with expensive-ass craft beers and cocktails that cost more than feeding a family of four at McDonald's. The old days of cheap beer-and-a-shot seem to be circling the drain.

So, we decided to do the seemingly impossible. Can you still get cheap beer in South Florida? Can you still get the cheapest beer deal out there, $1 draft? We went looking.

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New Found Glory Fires Guitarist and Songwriter: Pop Punk is Now Dead

Categories: Just In

Wikimedia Commons
Despite all the tours and T-shirts declaring otherwise, pop-punk is now officially dead. New Found Glory, a band that has often prided itself on maintaining all of its original members over 16 years of recording, has fired its guitarist and songwriter. In a Facebook post this morning, the Coral Springs natives announced that Steve Klein was let go over personal differences.

Regardless of how one feels about the genre, Klein is one of the most influential figures in it. His lyrics and song titles now pepper the names of the next-next generation of pop-punk bands. He was a key figure in bringing that style of music to the mainstream in the early millennium. Whether your last post on the AbsolutePunk message board was last week or you spent your high school years blasting "Sticks and Stones" in your car, you owe something to the man.

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Surfer Blood's JP Pitts on Where the Band Is Today: "We Are All Still Best Friends"

Zachary A. Bennett
This Tuesday, West Palm Beach's Surfer Blood announced the official release date for its major label debut on Warner Bros Records, Pythons. The long-awaited follow up to the collection of lo-fi fuzzy gems that made up Astro Coast, is slated for a June 11 release date. 

It's been a long time coming for Surfer Blood, who technically self-released Astro Coast three years and some months ago. An impressive debut, it showcased Surfer Blood's use of Pixies' start-stop dynamics, and Pitts' Black Francis' style roar. The album won a place on our 2009 Best Of List and on many an accredited national music sites around the nation. Recorded and mixed in front man JP Pitts' apartment in early 2009, it wasn't held back by its DIY nature. 

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Canadian Jazz Phenom Michael Kaeshammer Brings Mardi Gras to Fort Lauderdale Tonight

Jazz Dude.jpg

Those not familiar with pianist Michael Kaeshammer's work might find it a bit baffling that the Gold Coast Jazz Society chose a 36-year-old German-born, Canadian-raised singer-songwriter to headline the Mardi Gras-themed February edition of its 21st Anniversary Jazz Concert Series. A closer inspection however reveals that Kaeshammer -- touted as Canada's triple-threat for his virtuosic piano playing, pristine vocals, and glistening persona -- has the Fats Waller-inspired chops to pull off such an endeavor. 

No stranger to the lively and animated take on the blues, the debonair musician has been tickling the ivories in true New Orleans' boogie-woogie fashion since the age of 13. He tells New Times that he just wrapped up work on his next studio release, due out in May, a reworking of 20 songs originally recorded and/or produced by influential New Orleans R&B maestro Allen Toussaint. "It's everything my dad had in his record collection," says the personable Kaeshammer. He's quick to point out that the album is "not a period piece," rather, he rewrote a great deal of arrangements to fit his backing band and give it a modern sound.More »

Bon Jovi Announces Dates for Because We Can Tour; Coming to Tampa and Sunrise

Categories: Just In
ejmc via Flickr
Bon Jovi juuuuust announced U.S. dates for Because We Can Tour.

And it happens to come to Sunrise, Florida, on Jon Bon Jovi's birthday! (Yes, I know when Jon Bon Jovi's birthday is. Not ashamed.)

Let's hope Jon's daughter is all better from her recent heroin overdose; let's hope that family pasta sauce is selling like crazy; and let's hope Jon plays the hits, not the "weird old man music" he played during his solo show here a few months back.

See Also:
- Review: Jon Bon Jovi and the Kings of Suburbia at Hard Rock Live
- Bongiovi Pasta Sauce: A Taste Test

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Weezer Performs at Hard Rock Live Hollywood on November 8; Tickets on Sale Now

Categories: Heads Up, Just In
Whip out those old black nerd glasses. Oh, wait, you're still wearing them... Well, keep wearing those Buddy Holly frames, even if it's only ironically, because alt-rock heroes Weezer are returning to South Florida to perform at Hard Rock Live in Hollywood on Thursday, November 8. Following the success of their Weezer Cruise, which departed from Miami in January, the boys are back with both the great tunes of yesteryear and the controversial ones of now. For plenty of fans who couldn't or didn't feel like dropping 800-plus bucks back then, this is some seriously awesome news. The Blue Album blast-worthy news.

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