Lex Hernandez

It is that time again, dear County Grind readers, when we gather to celebrate the triumphant independence of our neighbors to the south, Mexico. Let us waive that green, red, and white flag and ceremoniously push our lime wedges down our Coronas to toast... Er, wait... It's not Mexico's independence day? OK, well then, it's time to rejoice the Patron Saint of Oaxaca, a joyous celebration when the villagers bring out the clairvoyant toddlers! Um, yeah, no. That's not it either.

Let's be honest with each other, we haven't a clue what the hell Cinco de Mayo is really about, we just want another excuse to get shitfaced! Perhaps it commemorates some Mexican army win over the French in the Franco-Mexican War in 1862. But that sounds way too freaking boring for the shot, shot, shot, shot, shots of tequila good times this holiday is really about.

Give us a sombrero, a bottle of Patron, a freakin' chimichanga! We want a Mariachi band for the love of God! Here are the absolute best Cinco de Mayo parties, including a chihuahua race and plenty of Harleys.

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Joseph Schell

To hell with all those Irish jokes. We know that on Saint Patrick's Day you're just an alcoholic looking for an excuse to worship at the altar of your god Jameson. And Jameson is not a kind deity. He's more like that stepdad who hates you, but takes you out for ice cream before strapping your body with meat and sending you out into a particularly crocodile-infested area of the Everglades.

Green beer is ridiculously fun and Irish car bombs are, oh, so tasty. Pair those indulgences with your lack of self-control, and things will get sloppy on this greenest of holidays. So give in, and accept your fate this April 17. You'll probably end up stealing a leprechaun's virginity instead of its gold. So embrace the drunken perversion with these five most wild St. Paddy's Fort Lauderdale parties.

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Every Christmas, we try to buy our favorite pop stars the perfect gift.

And every December 25th, the presents we've laid under the tree and the stuffing we've shoved in stockings are met with obviously-fake enthusiasm, eye rolls or -- more often than you'd expect -- wailing cries of bellicose hatred.

But this year, we've done our research. We've made our own lists, checked them thrice, and we're not going home until every pop star on the front page of TMZ screams, "God bless us! Every one!" like Tiny Tim on bath salts. More »

Impact's 7'' single from 1982 is #11.

As far as holiday shopping goes, punks can be hard to please.

But don't fret, we are experts when it comes to the Christmas lists of this hydraheaded rock 'n' roll youth culture and its myriad subdivisions.

After the cut, we've got gift suggestions for everyone from crusty train-hoppers to straight-edge kids and dumpster-diving freegan bike punks.

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This is that cover.

We featured the Jacob Jeffries Band on the cover of New Times Broward Palm Beach earlier this year. They were all cute, looking like Queen. Remember? 
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Rudolph with his nose so bright: Reason enough to protest the exploitation of animals

There are certain traditions that seem to haunt us every holiday season, annual rituals from which we can't seem to escape. The cry of "ho ho ho" rings from every street corner (and no, we're not referring to local pimps beckoning their ho ho hos) and on every block, houses are lit up with a glow that far surpasses Uncle Fred's complexion after one too many shots of Scotch and tequila at the office Christmas party.More »

Olivia Newton John is gonna help you work off that third helping of Thanksgiving stuffing.

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Chongalicious float, anyone?

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is an instantly recognizable train wreck, heralding the coming end of year festivities. As usual, we do not like to single out religious celebrations in lieu of having to list them all and possibly offend those we might accidentally leave out, so we'll err on the side of Seinfeld and assume Festivus really is for all of us.

Regardless of which, the parade proper is fun for the family and features iconic and beloved characters in a helium-inflated format, because nothing says "good time" like balloons and floats filled with artists lip-synching their amazing hits! 

This year's Parade features artists we dig like Flo Rida and Chris Isaak (who are certainly great pals in real life) as well as Jimmy Fallon and the Roots (we had no idea he pulled a Diana Ross on them cats), the Wanted, Karmin, Neon Trees, and Carly Rae Jepsen, among many others.

We, of course, would prefer to see a heavier Floridian representation within the proceedings, and thus offer the following stand-in choices. 

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​Ah! The Holidays are upon us, again, and nothing makes me feel more at ease during this hectic season than cheery songs full of goodwill messages and warm, huggy feelings! It's true! Nothing makes the Holidays better than traditional songs sung around the fire in the company of family and good friends. While there might be some great holiday tracks you can take to the streets in the finest of your Victorian dress, my family prefers some less traditional fare with modern twists. You can rest assured we'll be singing these come Noche Buena over the crackling skin of pork in the Caja China! So from my family to yours, have yourselves a merry little punk rock Christmas!

Nothing says family better than this little ditty by my favorite all-Jewish rock and roll ensemble, The Ramones!

The Ramones - "Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)

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