Ten Memorial Day Parties to Kick Off Summer in Broward and Palm Beach

George Martinez

Many spend the days leading into Memorial Day weekend securing sunscreen with just the right amount of SPF, nailing down out-of-town hotel reservations, or procuring enough Bubba Burgers to keep the guests at our megagrillout at bay.

But for others, the prospect of having an extra day off doesn't consist entirely of beaches, babes, and hot dogs. Some of us want to rock out, cut the rug, and dig on some cool vibes late into the night. We're psyched about that extra little time to cure our ugly holiday hangovers but know we need to weigh our entertainment options wisely. Opportunities like this come around only a few times a year, after all.

The melee of South Beach seems a bit daunting, so we've done the research on the best things to do this weekend to kick off summer the right way in Broward and Palm Beach counties.

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Kanye West's Letter to Santa

Categories: Holiday Obscura

Photo by Sayre Berman
We at New Times pride ourselves on our keen sense of journalistic curiosity. So we knew we had something when one of our interns walked into the office with a gold envelope that said "To: Santa. HURRY UP DUMB ASS MAILMEN"

Turns out it was a letter to Kris Kringle from none other than Kanye West himself. Trust me, I know it sounds crazy, but Yeezy didn't use enough stamps. We transcribed the letter for you to enjoy below. Sorry, Kanye.

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Five Best Holiday Parties 2013: Broward and Palm Beach Counties

Categories: Holiday Obscura

Christina Mendenhall

It's December, and we're still shvitzing in South Florida. Though Winter seems to have gotten lost on its way to this peninsula, the holidays have booked their flights, packed their bathing suits, and are coming to stress you the hell out. Everyone needs a break from their kinfolk during these mostly hateful, sort of loving, lots of drinking times.

It's a good thing then that this year, there are plenty of rocking and sexy ways to celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas, and just plain old horniness. What follows are the five finest holiday blowouts Broward and Palm Beach counties have to offer in 2013.

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Cinco de Mayo Parties in Fort Lauderdale and Palm Beach County That Rule

Categories: Holiday Obscura

Lex Hernandez

It is that time again, dear County Grind readers, when we gather to celebrate the triumphant independence of our neighbors to the south, Mexico. Let us waive that green, red, and white flag and ceremoniously push our lime wedges down our Coronas to toast... Er, wait... It's not Mexico's independence day? OK, well then, it's time to rejoice the Patron Saint of Oaxaca, a joyous celebration when the villagers bring out the clairvoyant toddlers! Um, yeah, no. That's not it either.

Let's be honest with each other, we haven't a clue what the hell Cinco de Mayo is really about, we just want another excuse to get shitfaced! Perhaps it commemorates some Mexican army win over the French in the Franco-Mexican War in 1862. But that sounds way too freaking boring for the shot, shot, shot, shot, shots of tequila good times this holiday is really about.

Give us a sombrero, a bottle of Patron, a freakin' chimichanga! We want a Mariachi band for the love of God! Here are the absolute best Cinco de Mayo parties, including a chihuahua race and plenty of Harleys.

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Five Best, Wildest, Weirdest Saint Patrick's Day Parties in Fort Lauderdale

Joseph Schell 
To hell with all those Irish jokes. We know that on Saint Patrick's Day you're just an alcoholic looking for an excuse to worship at the altar of your god Jameson. And Jameson is not a kind deity. He's more like that stepdad who hates you, but takes you out for ice cream before strapping your body with meat and sending you out into a particularly crocodile-infested area of the Everglades.

Green beer is ridiculously fun and Irish car bombs are, oh, so tasty. Pair those indulgences with your lack of self-control, and things will get sloppy on this greenest of holidays. So give in, and accept your fate this April 17. You'll probably end up stealing a leprechaun's virginity instead of its gold. So embrace the drunken perversion with these five most wild St. Paddy's Fort Lauderdale parties.

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Ten Stocking Stuffers for Spoiled Superstars That Have Everything

Every Christmas, we try to buy our favorite pop stars the perfect gift.

And every December 25th, the presents we've laid under the tree and the stuffing we've shoved in stockings are met with obviously-fake enthusiasm, eye rolls or -- more often than you'd expect -- wailing cries of bellicose hatred.

But this year, we've done our research. We've made our own lists, checked them thrice, and we're not going home until every pop star on the front page of TMZ screams, "God bless us! Every one!" like Tiny Tim on bath salts. More »

Top Ten Gifts For a Very Punk Rock X-Mas

Impact's 7'' single from 1982 is #11.
As far as holiday shopping goes, punks can be hard to please.

But don't fret, we are experts when it comes to the Christmas lists of this hydraheaded rock 'n' roll youth culture and its myriad subdivisions.

After the cut, we've got gift suggestions for everyone from crusty train-hoppers to straight-edge kids and dumpster-diving freegan bike punks.

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Jewish Christmas Carols: Seven Christmas Songs Written by Jews

Categories: Holiday Obscura
Christmas can be a lonely time for Jews. Sure we've got Chanukah, but spinning a top and eating root vegetables pancakes doesn't really make you feel a part of things, especially when everyone else is decorating trees with candy and waiting for a bearded man to cheerfully deliver their greatest material desires. 

But there is one Christmas pastime that Jews have been a major part of, writing and singing Christmas carols. Whether this pattern is out of a need to assimilate, to find a wider audience than Chanukah tunes would ever get, or to pay homage to a fellow Jew's birthday, here's a list of  some of the most beloved Christmas songs not written by Christians. 

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Jacob Jeffries' Christmas Wish List and South Florida Tour Dates

Categories: Holiday Obscura
This is that cover. 
We featured the Jacob Jeffries Band on the cover of New Times Broward Palm Beach earlier this year. They were all cute, looking like Queen. Remember? 

Well, our hometown boy and his band are planning a few post-Christmas in-town shows this holiday season. We're thinking their fun folk-pop sound will be the perfect antidote for your family- and booze-induced hangover. 

This'll also give you just the right opportunity to present the singer/songwriter with gifts off of his holiday wish list, which he shared with us here. Make sure to be generous, we want this guy to keep singing and songwriting. 

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Top Ten Worst Holiday Songs

Categories: Holiday Obscura
Rudolph with his nose so bright: Reason enough to protest the exploitation of animals
There are certain traditions that seem to haunt us every holiday season, annual rituals from which we can't seem to escape. The cry of "ho ho ho" rings from every street corner (and no, we're not referring to local pimps beckoning their ho ho hos) and on every block, houses are lit up with a glow that far surpasses Uncle Fred's complexion after one too many shots of Scotch and tequila at the office Christmas party.

The sounds of the season - those so-called holiday classics - are often capable of driving us to drink, so much so that we could out-chug drunken revelers like Uncle Fred himself.

With that in mind, we offer ten top holiday songs that stink worse than frankincense and myrrh.

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