Suede Dudes with the Butchers and Gun Hoes at 5 Points Lounge, November 17th

Suede Dudes
In case you're one of those still out of the loop and thus haven't heard, an awesome tiki bar has risen from the Monterey Club's proverbial ashes. Known as 5 Points Lounge, the venue provides an ideal setting for local shows, much like the Monterey did in its early days. In fact, we like 5 Points' friendly atmosphere, craft brews, and Instagram-ready decor so much that we recently crowned it with our best new bar award. The only thing missing is the mobile BBQ unit out front, billowing out those heady, meat-scented smoke signals, a call to all of the guaranteed good time next to the airport. Dear god, how we miss that BBQ. 

See also
The Gun Hoes Release New Song "Melt Machine," and We Like It

However, as is often and inexplicably the case in South Florida, cool bars housing good shows can go overlooked. Even on a weekend. 

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Blast From the Past: Raped Ape - In Ape We Trust Demo

Raped Ape Demo cover.jpg
Raped Ape
In Ape We Trust Demo

Ahh! Sunny, breezy and beachy Palm Beach recalls the idylls of the upper crust and yachting. But like all objects of beauty, there is a darker and more sinister side lurking beneath. Look at all the times Dayle Hinman got called in to help solve grisly murders! One of the finest metal outfits to emerge from this glorious state hailed from there and took the local, national and international metal scenes by storm between 1988 and 1996/7 when the receptive audiences dwindled. I'm talking about Raped Ape and we're kick-starting this year's Blast From the Past series with their very first demo cassette, In Ape We Trust.

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No Age Made Sweatstock a Happy Pit

Categories: Garage Tapes

Sweatstock's sweatiest moment came at the end. By the time noise-punk duo No Age finally stumbled onstage around 9 p.m., the crowd was bigger, drunker, and more chaotic than it had been all day. Fans of every kind packed a pit bounded by NE 2nd Ave., Sweat Records' north-facing façade, and cop cars. Party boys poured beer on each other for heat relief. Locals joined the party, watching the whole thing from the low-slung seats of BMX bikes. And hipster dads hoisted their offspring onto t-shirted shoulders.

Then, No Age tore into its very first squalls of distorted riffage and the crowd replied with happy violence. It all became a writhing, rumbling mess: Bodies crumbling under bodies, cameras being crushed, kids stage-diving onto the heads of newfound friends. The dads drifted into safer corners while everyone else went berserk. And miraculously, Sweatstock never veered off into negative vibes. People seemed to actually like getting repeatedly pushed and punched.

Slashpine Brings the Doom to Roofless Records' Cinema Sounds No. 6

Categories: Garage Tapes

It was an insanely heavy way to start a nice night of music and movies: Bodies tossed across train tracks, horsemen of the apocalypse streaking through snowy nowheres, and local metalheads Slashpine shredding slow and deep into doom-y sonic territory.

A couple days before the show, I asked Roofless Rex boss and Cinema Sounds mastermind Matt Preira about Slashpine. He tried to describe the band for me, saying: "They're an up-and-coming experimental black metal group that tickles the punks pink." But, um, after seeing Slashpine tear their silent clip to shreds, suck the crowd's collective soul, then dissolve into shadows ... I'm 87 percent sure Matt actually meant "They're an up-and-coming force of colossal destruction that scares the world retarded."

Honestly, I was extremely surprised people weren't shitting their popcorn.

Garage Tapes: Destroyio Records and Guerrilleros de Nadie at Churchill's

Categories: Garage Tapes
Last Thursday, Destroyio Records invaded Churchill's again. And every species of Miami punk was there: Hialeah soccer hooligans, dreaded lezzies, Calle Ocho crusties, Subhumans squat rats, weekend anarchists, Misfits aerobics instructors, hardcore dudes with neck tattoos, etc. It was a mixed pit.

Everyone sipped some kind of clear alcohol from plastic water bottles hooked through belt loops or hidden in backpacks. A few chubby drunks (mostly female) would start a skank circle, throwing elbows into stationary targets. Things would flare up, then recede again. And crowd aggression continued to move in waves until, finally, Guerrilleros de Nadie stormed the stage and signaled the time to Destroyio some shit.

Garage Tapes: Otto Von Schirach at Artopia

Categories: Garage Tapes

Last night's New Times banger got off to a lukewarm start. But by 10:30 p.m., the crowd was finally ready to fucking party. With unknown quantities of free Barefoot pinot grigio and a couple hundred pisscups of Magic Hat #9 turning their brains to sponges, people shed their inhibitions and slipped on costumes. 

An alligator dude, some kind of cannibal, two sexpots (one with fake tits, the other with a shaved head and flat chest), a gorilla, and Notorious Nastie all jumped onstage to help announce the arrival of Bermudan spaceman Otto Von Schirach. Booze splashed to the floor, destroying designer shoes. Cameras got smashed. And everybody lit up a Swisher, tossed a triangle, and bumped bodies. 

Soon, though, the bacchanalia got shut down. At 10:47 p.m., Otto and crew went silent. And despite early reports, it wasn't a noise complaint that killed the fun. According to City of Miami Police officer Gutierrez: "We didn't shut it down. It's not even 11. College security pulled the plug because of intoxicated people passed out on the premises." 

Too bad those drunks never heard the saying: "When in Rome, puke so you can keep partying."

Crossfade Live: Free Album, Locos Por Juana at Jazid, February 5

Jacob Katel
Shot from October, 2009, when we caught Locos at the WDNA studio for Sound Theory Live.
Locos Por Juana are fuckin' awesome, and we've got the proof. Welcome to our first edition of Crossfade Live, where we bring you our original high definition concert recordings from bands and venues all over South Florida.

Today we bring you a full, live album we recorded Friday night at Jazid. If you've never seen or heard Locos Por Juana, they play a Miami-Latin blend of reggae, hip hop, rumba, cumbia, get down, soul force, radical shit.

Here's the link to the 13-track album we made from their show, after the jump.

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Garage Tapes: Surfer Blood Gets Rough and Raw at Respectable Street

Categories: Garage Tapes

As the New Times reported last week, Monotonix's trip to South Florida ended when only twelve minutes into its set, the band's singer Ami Shalev stopped to say: "After more than 700 shows, I think I finally broke my leg." Seemed like a joke at the time, but it turned out to be true. The acrobatic antics were already over. And that Monotonix t-shirt that read "Where were you when it happened?" took on a new, sad meaning for fans who drove an hour to see some Krav Maga-level rock 'n' roll.

The consolation prize, though, was Surfer Blood's certifiably safe and mostly stationary opening set. There was no cartwheeling, crabwalking, or crowdsurfing. But the music itself stayed animated enough as the West Palm Beachers rambled through faves like "Floating Vibes" and "Swim" off debut disc Astro Coast. The video document above shows a rough and raw live rendition of "Take It Easy" that you should really savor since the Blood is touring and might not make it home till summer.

Garage Tapes: Dan Black Meets Dirty Hairy

Categories: Garage Tapes

Normally, I prefer to spend my time and money in clubs that look, feel, and smell like actual garages. But this past Wednesday, I chose instead to spend my time and money in the sex dens of that 21st century disco Sodom, otherwise known as LIV. The night was long, sleazy, and decadent to the point of being depraved. After all, LIV's the kind of place where a young girl in silver lame leggings will eagerly pour champagne down your pants for a nominal fee. 

Then at 1 a.m., Brit electro-indie-art-rock-retro-pop guy Dan Black stepped under swirling stage lights for a 20-minute set of songs from his new album UN. He posed and played to the audience. But the party people seemed restless, which is understandable 'cause "Symphonies" isn't exactly the perfect soundtrack for public sex. The crowd just wanted its fuck music back. 

In any case, this mixed scene of mutual apprehension and sexual tension didn't kill anyone. It just provoked Black into making the most genial yet cutting crowd taunt I've heard in a long time: "You will be bored with me by the end of the year, so enjoy this moment when you don't know who I am."

Destroyio Records and ENOUGH!, Miami Fucking Punk Rock

ENOUGH! is Fabio Destroyio, Homer, and Mikey Steele.
Fuck y'all know about ENOUGH!? Probably not enough.

Well, there's not enough Miami punk rock. Not enough people going to shows. Not enough bands, not enough venues, not enough glass to break, levels on the volume knob, beer to drink, fences to jump, bikes to ride, skateboards to thrash, mosh pits to slam. There's not enough of a lot of shit, but there is ENOUGH! and they do represent gotdammit, and they are playing shows, lots of em', thanks to Destroyio Records.

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