Five Places Hipster Parents Shouldn't Bring Their Babies

Categories: For the Kids

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Photo by Sharon via Flickr Creative Commons
As you can tell from your Facebook feeds, many members of the hipster generation are now reproducing. But these new parents are not allowing the complication of having children slow down their action-packed, self-involved lifestyles.

Any sporting event or all-ages concert you now attend, you're certain to see a number of rugrats drinking milk while watching LeBron James or Justin Timberlake live. But as much as we enjoy treating young ones like accessories for selfies, babies, unlike ironic sunglasses, come equipped with emotions and vocal cords that allow them to express unhappiness. Here are guidelines, learned the hard way, of five places hipster parents should not take their babies.

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Rockabye Baby Lullabies Help New Parents Cope

Categories: For the Kids

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I was a couple of months away from being a dad when my girlfriend and I received unsolicited lessons on how to be parents. The teachers for the class we didn't sign up for had a cute 6-month-old. My girlfriend got to hear horror stories about delivery and breastfeeding. And when their baby started acting up, I received a different lesson. The dad pulled out his iPhone and told me, "Bro, this is going to be your best friend."

Music started playing. It was a xylophone and gentle rattle that you might hear on any number of Fisher Price toys, but the melody was familiar. "Is that Coldplay?"

"Yeah, bro check it out." He flipped over to reveal Rockabye Baby's lullaby rendition of a Dave Matthews Band song. Then he showed me Nirvana and Guns N' Roses, both adapted for babies. Each album had a teddy bear replacing an iconic cover image. For instance, the GNR one featured the Appetite for Destruction cover, but all the faces on the cross were cuddly teddy bear caricatures of the band members, down to Slash's top hat.

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Wish My Baby's First Song Wasn't Sung by Richard Marx

Categories: For the Kids

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There is another description for the job of music writer: music snob.

When you are repeatedly forced to form opinions on what makes music good or terrible, it becomes easy to confuse those opinions with fact. I am as guilty of this sin as anyone. I will argue to the death about how Digable Planets were robbed of the universal praise that the Fugees received for best nineties bohemian hip-hop trio. I can assure you that Radiohead hasn't put out a noteworthy recording since Kid A and I dare you to prove me wrong that Arcade Fire is the only band in the iPod shuffle age that understood how an album can tell a story.

So pity my poor daughter.

Born earlier this month I was determined to raise her with good taste in music. We gave her a good start with her name. If she would have been a boy, her name would have been Jude. But since she is a girl, her name is Simone. As in Nina. I sang her Beatles songs when she was in her mother's womb and made certain to switch the radio station if I heard the opening riff of a song that does not meet the cut.


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Ten Name Suggestions for Kim and Kanye's Superballin' Baby

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Kim Kardashian is pregnant as fuck!
Say what you will about Kanye West and Kim Kardashian as potential parents: We're positive their baby is going to turn out nothing short of superballin'.

But first things first: These modest lovebirds need a title for the joint masterpiece of their respective careers.

And they probably shouldn't name it "North" like some e-tabloids have been reporting is a possibility.

We can think of at least ten better names for the human being wrought from the loins of these attention hogs (and that in no way refers to Kim's natural pregnancy weight gain, only her personality).

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Iron Maiden's Nicko McBrain Loves When You Tell Him "Your Pulled Pork Is to Die For!"

Categories: For the Kids, Q&A
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Iron Maiden drummer Nicko McBrain might very well be the nicest guy in heavy metal. The legendary British-born South Florida resident is frequently spotted at local metal concerts, signing autographs and smiling perpetually, taking care of business at his BBQ restaurant, Rock n Roll Ribs in Coral Springs, or participating in philanthropic work in the area. While some artists might sign a check for charity, McBrain prefers to take a more hands on approach to his giving back, and though South Florida boasts more than its fair share of celebrated individuals, McBrain is one that truly enriches the community with his presence. 

This Saturday, McBrain will be hosting and performing at the Classic Rock & Roll Party, a fundraiser for the Homesafe Charity at Hollywood's Seminole Hard Rock Casino. We spoke with McBrain about working with the charity, his passions outside of pounding the drums for one of the most heralded metal groups of all time, and the unfortunate situations that have recently removed heavy metal drumming pioneers Bill Ward and Dave Lombardo from their rightful spots in their respective groups. 

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Trial's Greg Bennick with Hollow Earth - The Talent Farm, Pembroke Pines - January 10

Categories: For the Kids
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Hardcore-punk bands come and go, repeating a familiar cycle of building, imploding, growing up, moving on. In some rare cases, these groups stick around long enough to show the next generation how it's done. 

Tradition, both oral and aural, is a major part of the volatile mixture that fuels the genre -- second only to an innate anger that we all posses, but only some of us are fortunate enough to exorcise in the basements, VFW halls, and dive bars around the world willing, or stupid enough to house a room full of violent adolescents losing their collective minds for a few hours a week. 

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Birdman Serves New Orleans Thanksgiving Turkeys and Mixed Messages on Being a Gangsta

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Birdman says, "Don't get trapped!" 
You know it's holiday season when self-professed merciless gangsta playboys are hosting food giveaways. 

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Another indication would be said SPMGPs suddenly taking a turn for the wholesome. 

Young Money/Cash Money founder, CEO, rapper, and local, Bryan "Birdman" Williams, spent the Monday of Thanksgiving week with his brother and business partner, Ronald "Slim" Williams doling out 2000 turkeys to families in New Orleans. 

Williams, AKA Baby, also had some choice words for the youth of today. Specifically that, "violence, drugs and guns are not the answer."

Wait, what?
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A Sound Education: In Coral Springs, Students Learn at School of Rock

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In a converted nursery school on Wiles Road, with heavy-metal music blaring behind every door, Andrew Musselman leads me to the classroom where he'll teach his next lesson. He's running late, but that doesn't deter him from giving me the grand tour. As we pass a room with beanbag chairs on the floor, he aims a finger at the Jimi Hendrix poster hanging on the wall. "The student lounge," he explains.

The school where Andrew teaches is unlike any other in Broward County. Here, the students don't read textbooks. They don't take quizzes or read essays either. Instead of desks, they sit behind drum sets, and within every classroom is not a blackboard but an electric guitar begging to be played. It is the School of Rock, a real-life music academy where young musicians from all over Broward County come to be educated in the ways of rock 'n' roll.

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LMFAO, Ke$ha, and Black Eyed Peas: Raves for Kids

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L your F-ing what off?
LMFAO is tacky, fratty, loud, goofy, and stupid. That's not the biggest bad of the dance-party duo. Their worst quality is that they're a group that is tacky, fratty, goofy, and stupid that performs for audiences of babies.

This past year, three concerts in particular exemplified the phenomenon of what we'll call "raves for children." Real raves belong in the '90s. Examples of their modern-day incarnations for underagers are the Ke$ha's "Get $leezy" tour, the Black Eyed Peas -- whose final concert took place at SunLife Stadium -- and these guys, LMFAO, who both opened for Ke$ha and played the recent Y-100 Jingle Ball.

Before launching into this old-fart diatribe, let's preface with a few things: 1. Raves and drum 'n' bass nights were fun 15 years ago; 2. Except for a Gathering of the Juggalos, concerts are almost always awesome; 3. Dancing is the best.

Now back to complaining. 


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Cody Simpson Loves Miami; Talks Dubstep, T-Pain, and the Fontainebleau

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Chris Baldwin
​Cody Simpson is a teen dream at only 15. He's got the world, and tons of screeching preteens, at his feet. 

The Australian singer and songwriter has a strong connection to the Sunshine State, believe it or not. He's worked with both Flo Rida and T-Pain and, brace yourself, he grew up in Miami Beach. 

"I grew up in the Gold Coast part of Australia. The suburbs I actually grew up in, ironically, it's called Miami Beach," he told us. 

OK, so it's not the stateside Miami Beach, but it's something. 

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