Ten Essentials for a Heavy Metal Cruise

Categories: Dive In

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Ian Witlen

Genre-themed concert cruises are the new black.

In 2014, there's a floating music festival curated for fans of everything from progressive rock (Cruise to the Edge) to whatever the hell you want to classify the artists that sail on the Mad Decent Boat Party as. Hell -- there's even a Kiss Kruise! If you dig a sound and feel the call of the sea, there's a boat with your name on it these days. However, nothing found within this musical flotilla is more intriguing than the heavy metal cruises.

With names like Barge to Hell and 70,000 Tons of Metal, the heavy metal cruises that sail from South Florida's shores actually provide an astounding amount of bang for your buck. The lineups are always solid, the ports of call are pretty cool, and you're not driving the boat -- so you can spend a few days chasing down the zenith of early Metallica alcoholism. These cruises also benefit South Florida's land lovin' metal fans as there are always a few acts that choose to play a local date.

We understand that the archetypical metal fan is not necessarily the cruise type. Why would you want to chill in the Bahamas when there are so many other substantially more metal vacation options? You could have a pint next to the Phil Lynott memorial in Dublin, or you could go tour the rebuilt Scandinavian churches that had burned in the wild and crazy early days of black metal. At any rate, we're here to help prepare you, esteemed metal cruiser, with a bit of packing guidance. Here are our ten metal cruise essentials.



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A Brief Rundown of the Bonkers TLC Movie

Categories: Dive In

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TLC/Courtesy of VH1
[Editor's note: In his new column, award-winning goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times. Better put on your shoes, because your socks are about to be blown off.]

By Shea Serrano

On Monday night, I watched the movie about TLC, the most important all-girl rap group of all time. It came on VH1. I was excited.

TLC was all over radios when I was growing up. They helped, in part, to shape my existence. Surely the most player thing I ever did was sing "Red Light Special" to a girl while sitting at my family's kitchen table on the house phone hoping no one else in the family would hear me. That's a little thing called being in love.

Three things about that:

1. "Red Light Special" came out in 1995. That means I was 14. That means that while I was singing this, I weighed about 80 pounds. Can you imagine an 80-pound dude singing to some girl about giving her the red light special all through the night? Gross, gross, gross. How'd that girl let me get away with that shit? (Oh that's right. Because she was SUPER not hot, is how. Eighth grade wasn't so great for me.)

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Top Ten Dive Bars in Palm Beach County

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Continuing with our list of the top tier, grimiest joints to have a drink, here are the top ten dive bars in Palm Beach County.

See also
- Top Ten Dive Bars in Broward County

10. The Ugly Mug
About half an hour after the Eastside of Atlantic Avenue shuts down, across town, things are popping at the Ugly Mug.

Open until 5 a.m., this nondescript bar in Delray Beach is one of the city's few after-hours drinking holes. Its clientele consists of two sorts -- in the biz people knocking back a few after their respective shifts and stumbling lushes who had too much to drink hours ago, but refuse to hang it up for the night.

The mugs with sad clown-meets-court jester faces that hang from the ceiling here aren't so much ugly as they are creepy, though maybe a little cool if you're tipsy. Chances are good, if you've ever visited this grubby joint, it was at the tail end of a blackout.

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Top Ten Dive Bars in Broward County

Categories: Dive In

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Sometimes you just want to go where everyone knows your name; that safe, familiar dive where the drinks are cheap, the lighting is low, and you can always get away with wearing sandals and a T-shirt with stains on it. Because the only thing anyone cares about at a dive bar is shootin' the shit, knocking back the next cold one, and letting the world outside the grime-coated walls melt away.

When you can't be bothered by things like mixology or a button-down shirt, a good dive will always be there to help raise your spirits and make you feel really great about yourself afterward. Thankfully, here in South Florida, no matter where you are, there are probably at least five dive bars in a mile radius. To make your life easier, we've compiled a list of the top ten near Fort Lauderdale.

See also
- 10 Best Hipster Bars in Broward and Palm Beach Counties
- Top Ten Bars to Find a Sugar Mama in Fort Lauderdale and Palm Beach County

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