Six Other Reasons Orlando Bloom Might Punch Justin Bieber

Categories: Bieber Fever

George Martinez

About two nights back in balmy Ibiza, Orlando Bloom attempted to deck pop star Justin Bieber in the face. The swing, regrettably, did not connect.

The hullabaloo started when young Bieber yelled, "Yo, Orlando Bloom, I fucked your girl" to the elfin pirate of the Caribbean outside a popular restaurant, Cipriani. Mr. Steal-Yo-Girl then proceeded to serve Bloom a double helping of harshbrowns by having his bodyguard block the blow. The Biebs then posted a photo of Bloom being a crybaby on Instagram, quickly removing it, but not before the whole internet got a screenshot. The world keeps turning.

The details aren't important. What is important is that the internet has a new hero. Great kudos are due to Mr. Bloom for his valiant effort. While wishing harm on another human being isn't exactly "in good taste," there are plenty of reasons Orlando should want to slug Justin Bieber. Being hangry in Ibiza is only one. If after reading this list, Legolas decides to ante up for round two, we promise to look the other way.

See also: Five Possible Replacements for Justin Bieber

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Justin Bieber: Five Possible Replacements

Categories: Bieber Fever

Miami-Dade Corrections

It's pretty safe to say that yesterday must have been a humbling experience for the young Justin Bieber. He learned a thing or two about driving on Miami Beach, about the level of cop power they have down there, and that drag racing in a relatively wealthy neighborhood is a straight-up stupid idea.

But who hasn't acted like a load of crap when they were 19? Not us; we're perfect. That's why we, along with every other person in the world, plan on judging the shit out of Bieber. Presumably, parents will be blocking all things Biebs from their computers (they can do that, right?) and looking for the next clean young thang in music to pander to their tweens.

So let's assume right now that Justin Bieber's career is over. He's like fucking Juliette Barnes, but IRL. Thus, we decided to start our own search for the appropriate Bieb-alike to replace the fallen star. We took into consideration talent and hair. Continue for Bieb Part Deux.

See also: Justin Bieber to Arresting Officer: "What the Fuck Did I Do?"

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Justin Bieber Retires: Five Things We See Him Doing Next

Categories: Bieber Fever

George Martinez

No doubt, the recent Twitter announcement by Justin Bieber that he's retiring is a total Cher move. On Christmas Eve, probably in a drunken eggnog haze, he tweeted: "My beloved beliebers I'm officially retiring." This was even after he had already announced this "big" news earlier in the month on L.A.'s Power 106. Then he kinda went even more nuts, saying that "being a Bielieber is a lifestyle" and "I'm never leaving you." Finally, abandoning the apostrophe for "IM HERE FOREVER." Justin, sorry to break it to ya, even you will one day be dust.

But the kid's like 19. So, we have to ask: What will the Biebs do next?

See also: Justin Bieber at Miami Heat Game: Inside His Head (and Leather Bodysuit)

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Justin Bieber at Miami Heat Game: Inside His Head (and Leather Bodysuit)

Categories: Bieber Fever

Imagine you're Justin Bieber last night at the Heat-Pacers game.

You felt almost unrecognizable. At first, you kinda liked it. "Yeah, this is how real people experience the world," you thought. Your face, simply one of many anonymous mugs in a sea of white shirts cheering on LeBron and the boys. Go Heat! you said to yourself, smugly.

"That's cool though. Right?" you asked yourself nervously, crossing your arms. You're good, wearing a black leather bodysuit in the summertime. Sure everyone else was wearing white, but you didn't know that's how they do in the 305. You're Canadian, and not the kind that flocks South for a January sunburn.

It was totally chill that no one was looking at you. You were getting used to it, in fact. You were to there root for the Heat in your white-washed-jean-looking Miami snapback. It's aight. That's why you wore those sunglasses to a night game. They helped you blend in, deflecting attention from the cow flesh draping your chest.

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Justin "Bluntin'" Bieber: Tour Busted for Bags of Bubonic

Categories: Bieber Fever

All year round, Bieber all 'bout 'dem trees.
At the very beginning of 2013, we declared that Canadian Tweety Bird heartthrob extraordinaire, Justin Bieber, was going to the year's Pothead to Watch.

And while we maintain that Le Biebz is rapidly degenerating into a perpetually tardy, perma-smelly pothead, and that his mounting, life-consuming addiction to reefer has him neck-and-neck with Lindsay Lohan in an unofficial "Who Sucks The Most?" contest, we also feel kind of bad about heating up the little dude's scene.

We can't help but feel at least partly responsible for Justin's Blunt-mobile tour bus getting stopped in Sweden for -- you guessed it -- reeking of sweet Mary Jane.

See also
- Justin Bluntin' Bieber Booed by Fans in London for Being a Tardy Pothead
- Justin Bieber vs. Lindsay Lohan: Who is The Bigger Loser?
- PHOTOS: Justin Bieber at American Airlines Arena
- Justin Bieber's Message to Anne Frank and Five Others We're Sure Drop on This European Vacation

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Justin Bieber's Message to Anne Frank and Five Others We're Sure Drop on This European Vacation

On singer Justin Bieber's travels to Amsterdam, perhaps after a visit to a local coffee shop and maybe before checking out the red light district, he visited the Anne Frank house. 

This historical site where a teenaged Anne Frank and her family hid in a tiny attic from Nazis before being sent to death in a concentration camp obviously moved Mr. Bieber, because he wrote the following message in their guestbook, "Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber." 

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Pool Party's Creep Guirdo Admits "Crocs Are Shoes," Releases New Seven-Inch

pool party creep.jpg

South Florida is no stranger to the summertime shenanigans of a quad of deranged eternal teenagers the Icelandic press once proclaimed "greater than the touch of God between your legs." But who are, rather, what is Pool Party? A prolific rock 'n' roll power combo for sure. Eighty-degree-weather-clad young men? Yes. Enigmas wrapped within the overpartied carcass of a mystery? Why not?

See also:
- Pool Party's "Teenage Weirdo" Video Heralds the Official End of Summer!
- Pool Party Tackles Social Issues With the Upcoming Teenage Weirdo Seven-Inch
- Pool Party's Creep Guirdo Demands That Ponderosa Not Name Their Next Album "Pool Party"

If anything, Pool Party has long represented the idea, theory, and execution of fun. How it managed to convince Chicago's Mooster Records to pony up hard currency to satisfy its recording whims will not be fully explained within these digital pages, but singer, Svengali, and, at times, road-rash manager Creep Guirdo did find a little time in his busy schedule to discuss the band and give us some advice.

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Tire Kingdom Rounds Up Country's Biggest Stars and Sells MegaTicket to See Them All

brad paisley sayre.jpg
Sayre Berman
Actual country music, and also what the powers-that-be have named the twang-affected psuedo-rock or fiddle-touched pop music that drips out of Nashville's never-ceasing production lines each year, holds the largest fan-base in music these days. Modern country artists sell records, they sell massive amounts of tickets, and they're a hot commodity. 

See also

Way too hot to be assembled for something like a cruise -- the current popular vessel for consuming mass quantities of live music. All of these artists have way too much money to make on their own tours, and for fuck's sake, this ain't "the redneck yacht club." Not to mention how just plain wrong it would be to play such distinctly American sounds in international waters. 
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Reactions to Tragic Twitter #Cut4Bieber Fad

Categories: Bieber Fever
Update: Even creepier still, the #cut4Bieber hash was seeded by internet trolls months back. It was originally a hoax created to have fans cut their hair because they said Bieber had cancer. It's not certain how many images of sliced wrists are authentic. It's clear the Internet is the tool. Trolls are the enemy. 

Original Article: We all knew there was something dark and sinister going on in the minds of the most extreme Bieber fans. Their newest trend proves not only that these are the sickest group of obsessives, but also, sort of a sad group of kids with totally weird priorities. 

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This past week, it's become clear that Bieber has enjoyed a few blunts with his pal, Young Money rapper, Lil' Twist. For some reason, his fans are upset. Like upset in a way that you'd think he was regularly freebasing cocaine at elementary schools. 

But never underestimate the dramatics of teenage girls. In order to, who knows, guilt, Justin Bieber out of smoking spliffs, young chicks are cutting themselves until the pop start stops puffing. The really shitty part? They're tweeting about it with the hashtag #cut4bieber. 

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Pool Party's "Teenage Weirdo" Video Heralds the Official End of Summer!

pool party flyer.jpg
Bring your floaties!

It's pretty safe to assume that Pool Party garners the same fan rift Twilight fans fagged out with, that Team Edward/Team Jacob hullabaloo; you either get the South Florida-fried via Iceland sense of humor or you don't. Touted as lifting the limp flag left behind by the once mighty Queers, Pool Party have single-handedly saved Ramones'-ready pop punk from the putrid morass it had slowly gone to sleep in.

See also:
- Pool Party Tackles Social Issues With the Upcoming Teenage Weirdo Seven-Inch
- Pool Party Kicks Off Severe Party Would Tour of Florida (Video)
- No Manners: Pool Party's "Raised by Wolves" Video

You could even argue that these guys haven't even been teenagers but are beings of light created by the excess of chlorinated waters and cheap beers. You could even argue that they don't fully understand themselves like the best Scandinavian bands who sing beautifully in English but then deliver the most misguided and ESOL-needing interviews ever (The Hives, ABBA, anyone?).

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