NFL Asks Money to Perform the Super Bowl Halftime Show: An Imagined Correspondence
Sayre Berman This is what Chris Martin's face must have looked like when hearing the news.
The Wall Street Journal reported earlier this week that the National Football League asked representatives of Katy Perry, Rihanna, and Coldplay how much they would pay to play next February's Super Bowl halftime show.
While the NFL generally hasn't paid its Super Bowl halftime performers in the past, it did at least cover those act's travel and production expenses. But seeing as how last year Bruno Mars and the previous Super Bowl's Beyoncé performance brought an uptick in those acts' touring revenue, the NFL figured they might as well wring every dollar asking candidates, according to the Wall Street Journal, "to contribute a portion of their post-Super Bowl tour income to the league, or if they would make some other type of financial contribution, in exchange for the halftime gig."
Here's how we imagine the NFL's correspondence with musicians went regarding this matter.
As you may or may not know, the Super Bowl is a really big football game. More people watch this than any other televised event each year. We think this could be lucrative for your careers, and we're willing to let you in on this sweet deal. Let us know what number you're willing to put on the check.
P.S. Don't skimp on the zeros.
We are delighted at the number of bids we received, but there does seem to be some confusion in regard to our previous correspondence. First off, to M.I.A., no amount will give you the right to stick your middle fingers up at the crowd; the same goes to Ms. Janet Jackson's question on the fee to allow both nipples to slip. To the Red Hot Chili Peppers, yes, you will have to lip-synch your performance again, unless you significantly increase your bid. Finally, to Kanye West, we are certain your wedding album is lovely, but we will only be accepting payment in U.S. currency to play in the big game.
Thank You For Your Interest,
You do not seem to grasp how big a stage these dollars will grant you since many of you have been very stingy during this process. First off, the wise guys who bid as Elvis Presley and Michael Jackson, we at the NFL are fully aware that both of these men are dead. And if they were alive, the King and MJ would not be such cheapskates as to only offer 99 cents and one unused glove respectively.
So far these are the top bids.
5. 50 cents from 50 Cent
4. $27 in a joint bid by MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice
3. $420 from Justin Bieber (and young man, we do expect you not to make any drug references during your set).
2. $1,000 from David Lee Roth.
1. $50,000 from The Insane Clown Posse
Come on, guys, we can do better than this, and we're not just referring to the amount of money.
Looking Forward to Your Response,
As the Insane Clown Posse's check has bounced, we have decided to call off the auction. Instead of following in our tradition of booking acts that have not been relevant in two decades, we're starting a Kickstarter campaign for our underfunded nonprofit organization. And yes, the NFL is a nonprofit.
Thanks for your time, and we hope you're still going to tune in.
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