Ten Reasons Juggalos Are Better Than You

lead-art-fuck-the-fbi-crowd-surfing-juggalo.jpg
Riverfront Times

Life sucks. There is a multitude of reasons why, and no one has come to terms with this inescapable truth better than juggalos. Zen masters of nihilism and partying, they have become unquestionable experts at finding creative ways to cope with the unrelenting pain of reality.

See also: The Twenty Best-Dressed Juggalos at the Gathering

Behind the fun-at-any-cost, consequences-be-damned attitude of these clown-painted fiends lies a cache of truly virtuous and respectable traits. You might be unable to comprehend that people who seem so strange might have something profound to teach you, so we've put together this list, outlining just what it is that makes juggalos better than everyone else.


10. Juggalos Are Direct
Juggalos look you in the eyes when they talk to you. After accidentally brushing up against your oversized backpack while somersaulting away in a hurry, they'll still find the time to stop to earnestly apologize. And if a juggalo is angry at you, he or she will let you know it right away -- probably in the form of a loud chant about how "You fucked up."


9. Juggalos Are Reckless but Miraculously Competent
You should never fire off a Roman candle in the middle of a crowd. Unless, of course, you've already done it twenty times that night without a single error. One of the more incredible things about going to the Gathering of the Juggalos is the number of times that you stare directly into the face of danger and shrug your shoulders, because, "shit, no one else here seems to be dead yet."


8. Juggalos Are Generous
These are the sort of people that walk around with giant bottles of vodka, yelling into the sky as they offer free shots to everyone they pass. They hand you food that they're bored of eating. They show you their boobs if you just ask, and randomly give you a dollar to buy a bottle of water if you are thirsty. If you smell weed, you can ask for a hit without hesitation. Or if you happen to find yourself passing out on a grassy field after taking unexpectedly powerful hallucinogens, they just might provide all of the aforementioned things over the course of five minutes.


7. They Didn't Kill The People From VICE
Hey, they were nice people, don't get me wrong, but they were obviously out of their element. They dressed like German tourists, and we caught them taking selfies at the Gathering -- twice. (Their photographer is from Cleveland, yet doesn't hang out at the greatest bar in the world: Now That's Class.) Plus, they actually used the cell-phone charging station. Thanks to the benevolence of the Juggalo people, they made it out of this psychotic mess of a festival without being disemboweled. So that is pretty cool.


6. Juggalos Are Brilliant at Chanting
While the most common chants are "Fam-i-ly", "Magic Magic Ninja What," and the aforementioned,"You Fucked Up," we also heard some other choice hollering:

"Mutilated Dick!"
"Cir-cum-sized!"
"Baby-Dick!"
"Suck His Dick!"
"Fuck Jay Leno"
"Fuck Johnny Carson"
"Fuck Jack Paar"
"Fuck Steve Allen"
"Fuck Ed Sullivan"
"Fuck Her Right In The Pussy"
Basically, if a phrase is about dicks or has the word "fuck" in it, juggalos will gather en masse and scream it in unison at the top of their lungs.

Story continues on the next page.

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markie19
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Kerry Goad shared a link.16 seconds agoOnly MeREAD NOW JAN BREWER GOVERNOR ARIZONA CAN DO AS SHE PLEASE HIDE HER SON'S MEDICAL RECORDS THAT WOULD SHOW HE HAD SEXUAL DEVANT BEHAVIOR AND I COMPLAINED BEFORE HER RAPED ONE-AND ASSAULTED MR WHEN I WAS 12- COVER UP INFORMATION ABOUT MY FATHER'S MURDER-HAVE HER HUSBAND SEE YOUNG GIRLS-AND AN AFFAIR WITH MY MOTHER THAT INTERFERED IN MY LIFE TAKE MY CHILD AND COVER UP DARROW'S MURDER SHE WOULD NOT LET ME INVESTIGATE OF ORDER A TOXICOLOGY READ MARKIE MC NIGHTAfter Suing Obama Indicted Rick Perry Now Believes Political Disputes Don’t Belong in Courtwww.politicususa.comRick Perry supported and joined a lawsuit against the Obama administration in 2012, but now that he has been indicted, the Texas governor believes that political differences should not...LikeLike · · ShareMontel Williams14 hours ago via Facebook MentionsI've made no secret - I don't think highly of Rick Perry. Even still, indictment seems all bizzare. The guy is many, many, many things I'm just not sure he's a criminal. Even liberals seem to think the thing is shaky. Let's just let the guy finish his term so I dnt have to keep listening to him? Just because I dnt care for him as a politician doesn't give me the right to criminalize his politics. That's the conservative in me.Edit (in 5 minutes)

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markie19
markie19 topcommenter


19 hours ago


4 days ago

READ SEE THE FRIEND IN THIS VIDEO CLIP THAT HAS BEEN GOING ON MOST PEOPLE HAVE BETRAYED ME CAREFUL IT COULD BE YOUR SPOUSE AND YOU COULD NEVER KNOW OR YOUR BEST FRIEND OR YOUR DOCTOR -MINE I THINK WAS GOING TO LET THEM KILL ME-HE IS INVOLVED DR BEACH READ MARKIE MC NIGHT I NEED DR PHIL DR BEACH HAD A CON MAN IN HIS OFFICE THAT DATED PEGGY AND WAS ON DR PHIL-MY MEDICAL RECORDS WERE STOLEN TOO-WATCH YOURS READ MARKIE MC NIGHTEdit (in 6 minutes)

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markie1918 hours ago


Kerry Goad6 minutes ago via YouTubeOnly Me
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LikeLike · · Subscribe on YouTube · SharePelican Brief TrailerPelican Brief TrailerPelican Brief TrailerPelican Brief TrailerPelican Brief TrailerEdit (in 2 minutes)Pelican Brief TrailerPelican Brief Trailer

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