Aziz Ansari's 10 Best Quotes at Hard Rock Live, Hollywood, March 15
5. On stupidly cheesy wedding speeches:
"Every time I see your eyes, my heart jizzes into my soul."
4. On what a more realistic wedding speech might sound like:
"I love you, but today, part of me feels like I'm buying a Honda Accord."
3. This one speaks for itself:
"Basically, it's statistically impossible to find happiness unless we all jerk off and go to bed."
2. On not texting back:
"What, do you work at the chocolate factory from I Love Lucy?"
1. Aziz gets romantic:
"If you've held someone you love and watched three to ten hours of a critically acclaimed drama, you've experienced the peak of human happiness."
Do yourself a favor, and go see the man live.