Ten Ways You Know You're Too Old for This Club
Are you two wild and crazy guys? Two swinging foxes? Time for bed.
If you liked to party, you'll always like to party, at least a little. It's part of who you are. All those years of sloshing cheap booze down your gullet and getting blasted on bass have integrated party-time into your actual physical being. Those flashbacks don't come from nothing, and they ain't going nowhere.
These days though, you're feeling a little long in the tooth for a night out at da club. The walls shake too much and all those hormones make you feel funny. Penises are purposefully brushed against your booty and no one shows up before midnight. If you're wondering if you are actually too elderly to be at a spot where people gather for fun and future fornication, we've got 10 ways here to know for certain.
Does this give you tingles?
1. "It's too loud."
This is the most obvious sign that your old ass should be home in bed watching House of Cards.
Clubs are loud. And when you were young, that's exactly why you and your little friends flocked to them. Oh, the sweet, sweet noise! You used to sit your smooth, youthful ass straight on a speaker, cause you just had to feel the bass deep in your core.
Now that you're old, you're worried about your tinnitus. If you forgot earplugs, God help whatever friend is with you, cause they'll be hearing about it all.night.long. #Eyerollsgalore
2. The guy hitting on you could be your child.
When you were 15, of early child bearing age, this guy was... Well, he wasn't born. Start doing the math. This is fun for the newly single -- don't let the haters intimidate you with cougar status -- but by the end of the night, this not-yet-a-man will become the bane of your existence. Stick to an early evening make-out, and get home in time for Colbert.
All of your favorite things?