Celebrity New Year's Resolutions 2014
Here at New Times, we are infamous for glorifying the rich and famous and mocking all the stupid things they do. That being said, we decided to create a kinder list for New Year's, giving some celebs advice on which resolutions they should make this 2014. A lot of these guys need a ton of work, and we're just here to help.
So, without further ado, here is our list. See if any of your favorites made this shameful list.
Miley Cyrus: Keep your tongue in your mouth
Keep at least one body part at bay.
Amanda Bynes: Get off Twitter forever
For starters, let's not tweet at other celebrities, or anyone for that matter, that you want them to "murder" your vagina. Not throwing bongs out the window and trying to burn down places is also a good start to the New Year.
Alex Rodriguez: No more performance enhancing drugs for you
And we don't mean in the bedroom.
Kanye West: Stop referring to yourself as everyone else in the whole world
We know you pledged no new rants in 2014, but we'd really also like you to stop comparing yourself to those clearly greater than you, like Nelson Mandela. Makes you sound like a crazy person.
Taylor Swift: Write a song about you and an ex getting along
Not all your exes can be that bad! Write a song titled "This Ex Is Actually Cool, and We're Now Cordial."
Adele: Make another depressing breakup album
Clearly the opposite of Taylor Swift's resolution, only because you can hit those notes, girl!
Ben Affleck: Stay away from superhero roles