New Party Rules for Millennials

Categories: Good Ideas

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Ian Witlen
The stage is THAT way. Jeez.

Millennials, you still do all the drugs and have all the sex, but I have to break it to you -- #realtalk -- you do not know how to party.

And it's bringing me down. Heading over to what's supposed to be the "jam," hosted by 24-year-old "scenesters," I always hope that there won't be finger foods but that the fridge will be so packed with Miller High Life that it won't totally close. But then I get there, and there's artisan, sprouted, gluten-free hummus with homemade organic cheese sticks and vegan crackers for dipping. And no one looks like they're having fun.

Meanwhile, partying with Gen Xers is the best ever. There's never any food beyond a bag of Doritos, an old pizza, or Taco Bell someone grabbed at the end of the night. There are bongs everywhere, but people are dancing, and someone's getting a blowie in the bathroom. There's going to be a fight. Not just skinny straight guys throwing shade but a bloody nose, "bitch, I'ma kill you" fight. There's nothing good to drink, but there always something to drink. There is a naked guy at the party, and you're probably going to make out with his friend. You will talk to strangers, and there's always good music.

Rip me to shreds in the comments, but someone had to say it. For the millennials who want to party right, here are some new rules for you.

Booze is more important than appetizers.
Yes, you're all foodies. You "do it yourself." So cool. But for fuck's sake, save the gourmet snacks for your next dinner engagement. Parties are for fucking and boozing and breaking shit. Half the millennial festivities have almost no alcohol. And yeah pot'll get you high, and molly'll make you rubby, but booze will make you fun.

BTW, when I was a kid (#old), dinner parties were for parents. Take a page from Iconz's book and "Get Fucked Up."

Dance, bitches!
God, there's nothing more pathetic than a party at 3 a.m., where everyone's in little clusters chatting quietly while some like Bon Iver song drags in the background. Wait! There is something more pathetic! When it's 3 a.m. and 2 Live freaking Crew is on the iPad and no one's moving. Get up and dance. It's a party. I hate you.

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13 comments
LyliC
LyliC

Could NOT have said it better myself.  Truly on point and amazing.  Well done my friend...well done.

djsoular1
djsoular1

"Jeez."

"Get up and dance. It's a party. I hate you."

"I swear, every time I hit up..."

"Just, no."

"But get off the internet. It isn't real life."

"OK, we get it."

"Certain stuff is just meant for da club. Dubstep is that. So don't do it."

"Seriously."

"You guys are... How can I put this? Rude."

"It's bad, really bad manners."


Can anybody explain to me why this person is allowed to write for a professional media blog?

Liz Tracy
Liz Tracy

And I've been here for years.

Anthony Djuren
Anthony Djuren

I"m a Gen X'er and this is SPOT ON!!!! It's sad that I can still go to a punk show at 44(Black Flag was in town recently)......and when I look into the pit, it's being owned by a bunch of 35-45 year old guys. Why? Because we know the rules, and we know how to organize a pit. Why? Because we started that shit. Stop being Nancy's, afraid to scuff your boots.....get in and throw down!! I go to places like Wood Tavern and other hipster hangouts, and it saddens me to see a room full of guys without an ounce of testosterone in them. All of them skinny and emaciated, with their fucking neck beards, handle bar moustache's, and ironic tshirts...... drinking the newest fad shit beer.(PBR are you fucking kidding me? What's next, Old Milwaukee? Grain Belt? Hamm's) They stand around looking pathetic and sad, looking like they need a job and a sandwich. Now, I'm not saying.....being a musician and artist myself....that you have to be some knuckle dragging neanderthal, hitting women over the head and dragging them to your lair for a night of debauchery(These Joey Douchebag Jersey Shore Rejects are even worse).....but act like you have a set of freaking balls, and know the first thing about how to treat a woman once you are in the presence of one. OH...and take a shower. But what can we expect from the generation of "no tolerance rules", "instant gratification media", "Barney and Friends", and "everyone gets a trophy"? They've been emasculated since day one. Not an ounce of fight in any of them. Glued to their text messaging like freaking zombies, taking selfies and giving duck face......and barely a set of good social skills amongst them in a group. We Generation X'ers need to take these sad people and toughen them up. Take them under our wings and show them that they won't get in trouble, just because they let off some steam and party HARD once in a while. And keep the shit off of FB.....just be in the moment and recall memories like a human being.....not a computer chip implanted chimpanzee. We Gen X'ers had it good. The generation before us were beer drinking, bong hitting party hounds. Throw some Zepplin on, do a keg stand, and nail the furniture to the ceiling. They taught us well, and took us under their tutiledge, so we didn't screw up the party scene when we took their place. And no.....partying hard is not popping a pill, putting on Tiesto, and fondling each other in the corner of the room. Break some shit, get the cops called due to noise, set the couch on fire, run down the street naked on a dare screaming at the top of your lungs, play some music with some grit and balls, and for god's sake pull some hair and smack an ass once in a while. You wanna know why 50 Shades of Gray is a hit and has women losing their minds???? Because you guys aren't doing that shit to begin with. Monday rant, complete....... :D

bryan
bryan

and bring your own cocaine, jeez.

rrlevy272
rrlevy272

They suck because we suck. We never took them "under our wings" and walked them through Keg Stands 101 or how to mix  the most amazing Hunch Punch EVER (which would have inevitably illuminated why this Everclear-based beverage is touted as such). This is why there is no booze at their parties and this is why they think they're all sophisticated sippin' on their horde of Angry Orchard. It's because the previous generation forgot to drag their younger siblings/awkward-but-kinda-cute neighbor girls (who were really way too young to be at the party)/random young stranger/etc. You see where I'm going with this. It was the responsibility of the previous generation to pass on the vitals on how to party and that just didn't happen. They were left asking Siri, "How much cheese should I buy for 14 people?" Which is why they think they only need the illusion of looking cool to actually be cool. 

duderini
duderini

ugh goddd.... here goes another homebody waxing on "millenials."  the first thing you've done wrong is place an entire group of similarly aged people into a box that is easily definable and obviously homogenous.... i'd say that WE party just fine but WE wouldn't really encompass the entire width and breadth of the different types of HUMAN BEINGS there are that are of similar age to me. i lose faith in reporting when i read articles like this. 

 then the second thing you done wrong after generalizing on an entire generation of human beings is youve gone off and just listed the cheesiest, most played out stereotypes humanly possible, with absolutely no understanding of what a nuanced joke about US might sound like.  

You sound like your generation (whatever it is,) complaining about the one that came after you. And so did every generation before you... so get over it, start living, and stop sitting on the sidelines. Get a job as an actuary or something because you are the most bland writer I've ever read. 

Shawn Weaver
Shawn Weaver

Newtimes is there a new staff member..this is the best thing you have posted in yrs..REFER TO THE MOVIE THE BOYS AND GIRLS GUIDE TO GETTING DOWN...THANK ME LATER

elijahrox
elijahrox

Liz Tracy I friggin luv u! By far the most accurate party assessment ive ever seen. I feel like u just pulled my party etiquette heart strings and I might wanna propose to u, "On instrgram of course," but not in real life cuz that would require to much effort and knee bending which would probably rip my skinny jeans and require me to say something. But Oh im soo torn! See I was born in Dec of 1979 and technically the dripping last of the gen X'ers but totally a millenial. Now for the first time in my life, I can totally relate and understand what it feels like to be bi-racial in a racist town. Cant we luv each other! I totally agree. Gen X'ers throw the best parties hands down and are waaay more friendlier. See I luv to talk to people, have a great korean bbq taco and dancey my ass off but bcuz of my mix of raw Coachella Party skills and Culinary Exposes, I feel more alone than on anyone on either side. But u Liz u totally get me, So I guess what im really trying to say is Liz Tracy will u marry me? lol @elijahyoung

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