Miley Cyrus: How Do People Really Feel?
As the internet demonstrates on a daily basis, Popular Culture beats the horse down to its elegant skeleton better than anyone. So to make mention of common discourses as redundant is more redundant than your average trend or meme or hit or whatever.
In other words, how the fuck (in the phrase's strictest interpretation) are you freaks still tip-tap-typing away about YOU KNOW WHO.
As an ostensible music writer, it is (apparently) my job to talk to you, the nonexistent reader, about Miley Cyrus.
But I am sicker of Miley Cyrus than the cumulative boredom I experience if you force me to think about Monica Lewinsky or the macarena. I believe it was the ancient Greek poet Sappho who once said, "Shit is played, bro."
So to cover all of my bases and sink into debt (financial, existential, etc.) a little slower, I have assembled a little primer on what other people have had to say about Miley Cyrus, her VMA performance, her bare ass in that one video, and that weird tongue shit she can't stop doing ever since that one time she popped a roll instead of a Molly.
According to the Huffington Post, stalwart North American feminist Gloria Steineim had this to say about Miley Cyrus twerk mania:
"You know, I don't think so. I wish we didn't have to be nude to be noticed," Steinem said. "But given the game as it exists, women make decisions. For instance, the Miss America contest is in all of its states, forms... the single greatest source of scholarship money for women in the United States. If a contest based only on appearance was the single greatest source of scholarship money for men, we would be saying, 'This is why China wins.' You know? It's ridiculous. But that's the way the culture is. I think that we need to change the culture, not blame the people that are playing the only game that exists."
Huff Post thinks this settles the debate once and for all. Personally, I could not give half a fuck.
The first thing we Googled was the phrase "speaks out about Miley Cyrus," thinking it was broad enough to yield a wide range of results. Which it did. But it also called up a shocking number of articles phrased exactly like that with different opinion-having celebs getting subbed into the "noun" slot. It's like the shittiest mad lib e-v-e-r.
Paul McCartney, Hollis Jane (one of Miley's dancing bears at the VMAs), Rosario Dawson, Robin Thicke, One Direction, and her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, have all "spoken out" in one way or another.
At this point, we are proportionally bored with Sinead O'Connor's completely unhinged letter-writing campaign. But did you know that twee mousketeer for Christ, Sufjan Stevens, also revealed himself as a loony with a word processor? If dear Sufjan is Calling Out to Miley for any other reason than search engine optimization -- especially out of an earnest concern for her well-being -- he needs to be sent to the orchestral indie pop Fraggle Rock gulag right away.
Apparently, Eminem did not dis the daughter of Billy Ray. The lyrics falsely accredited to the real Slim Shady were actually the product of an Eminem Twitter imposter. You know the shark has been jumped tenfold when the fake accounts start getting into the fray and fracking reality with their simulacruminicity.
Not sure how you feel about 2013's tart popster du jour? You can figure it out at Jingle Ball this December.
Jingle Ball 2013 with Miley Cyrus, Robin Thicke, Austin Mahone, Ariana Grande, Demi Lovato, Armin Van Buuren, Enrique Iglesias, Fall Out Boy, and others. 7:30 p.m. Friday, December 20, at at BB&T Center, 1 Panther Parkway, Sunrise. Visit ticketmaster.com.