11 Fort Lauderdale Girls You've Probably Dated

Categories: Talking Shit

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Ian Witlen

3. The Hot Topic Mallrat
Remember the good old days, when all it took to make a girl happy was to take her to the Oasis at the Sawgrass Mills Mall, hold her hand, and buy her a Cinnabon? You knew it was love when you realized you both had matching eyebrow piercings and shared all the same favorite mangas. She would pull your beanie cap over your bushy eyebrows lovingly, and you would kiss her on the nose and tell her she was your warrior princess. Sadly, she dumped you for a dude whose D&D skills far surpassed yours. Plus, he already had his driver's license and a job bussing tables at the Steak and Shake, so he was miles ahead of you. Luckily, you grew up, but you never quite got over your Hot Topic mallrat... *sigh* >_<

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Ian Witlen
Modern bachelorette props include the fake 'stache.

2. The Bachelorette Tourist
Tell-tale signs: satin sashes, blinking LED jewelry, penis straws, and swarms of girls in stilettos squealing about shots. It's a bachelorette party at YOLO/Vibe, and you have absolutely no problem taking advantage of that situation. In fact, you're kinda all about it. You picked out your biddy for the night and zoned in on her like a predator drone. It wasn't hard to seal the deal. What you didn't realize was that when she said she was from "out of town," what she really meant was she made the 30-minute drive from her parents' house in Coral Springs to come celebrate with her besties. You eventually stopped responding to her barrage of texts filled with unintelligible Emoji speak.

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Yesenia Hernandez
These two are on their way out in 3, 2, 1...

1. The Girl Who Got Out
You were never good enough, because Florida was never good enough for her. No matter how much fun you had together or how much you tried to plan for the future, for her, a loft apartment in Brooklyn or a studio in downtown L.A. was more of a priority than anything the two of you could possibly build together. Her aspirations for more, her passionate longing to get outta here and move onto the big city, was sort of inspiring and romantic, but mostly you looked at it as a failure on her part to see what was right in front of her eyes. Just like your state, you might have your faults, and sure, you're a little freaky, but you're also strangely lovable and warm all year 'round!

You blocked her on Facebook and deleted her from Instagram after her 80th picture of a sunset over a bridge and a skyline with a caption that read "Love my city!!!!!!!"



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23 comments
robert.n.nielsen
robert.n.nielsen topcommenter

OMG and I thought Miami bitches were bad. Lauredale sux. Def. Staying out of broward.

2704dennis
2704dennis

You forgot two.  The Name Dropper.  She knows every important man in town on a first name basis or says she does.  She is normally a newly hired real estate associate or a door greeter at a marina where yachts are sold.  Late 20's to early 30's.  And then there is the personal assistant wannabe.  She is 20 years younger than the men she dates but acts like she is their mother.  The goal here is to get into your house and re model it for a handsome decorative fee.  Believe me, these are all over town.

doigmlwin
doigmlwin

PLEASE do a guys one. This is HILARIOUS.

Ed Kwok
Ed Kwok

Erin Sutherland - Your picture is in this article!! Lol

ltrepas1979
ltrepas1979

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Amber Watters
Amber Watters

Please tell me you're going to be writing one on the men you've probably dated?

Anthony Djuren
Anthony Djuren

Your forgot the biggest demographic in Ft. Lauderdale, the newly divorced 30-40 something that wants to party like they are back in college.

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