Ten Worst Florida Bands of All Time

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Florida is a swamp filled with crazy people -- mostly rednecks and political refugees -- who are so far removed from the rest of civilization and its myriad, sanity-sustaining social contracts that their screws can't help but loosen more every day.

To be fair, crazy people have their place in society. Sometimes, somebody needs to get the party started, and it's usually the person in the room with the least number of metaphorical "marbles." And very often, nutzoids are responsible for some of the best tunes making their way around the Facebook reshare circuit.

However, crazy people have also been known to make really shitty music too. And because Florida has a higher-than-average percentage of whack-jobs, County Grind is sad to report that we produce an exorbitant number of bands and solo artists that make us ashamed to admit we were born here.

Roll up your sleeves and double-dose the klonopin and/or omeprazole. 'Cause we're about to list the ten worst bands from Florida of all freakin' time. We mean every last word of every single thing typed after the jump and believe what we've written with the infallible orthodox mysticism (and old-world bloodlust) of a Muslim cleric in tribal Kurdistan.

10. Underøath
Underoath (we refuse to use "ø" again), has the deck stacked against them... And they're the first band! Which means we have our work (talking a tremendous amount of radioactive bullshit) cut out for us. So, yeah, in addition to spelling its name with "ø," this crew is a Christian Metal-cøre band from Tampa. We would repeat that heinously raw string of adjectives for emphasis, but we're neither sadists nor masochists. We are nihilists. And nihilists don't care about Jesus, moshing, or anything.

9. Skrape
An Orlando nü-metal band nobody cares about is only slightly less acceptable than evangelical mosh music. They were originally called "JoJo" but that was not nearly as mooked out as the band's final selection, or, rather, the selection RCA label execs made for them. Those dudes had MBAs that clued them into the fact that "Skrape" lends itself much more to being licensed for montages featuring skaters wiping out hard. Though we must admit: This band is most certainly the aural equivalent of bashing your femur on a handrail while filming a skate video with your brahs.


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31 comments
wondolf84
wondolf84

I can't believe this list didn't include PITBULL, or T-PAIN, or FLO-RIDA... Seriously? You include Lynard Skynard (a band that is actually talented) but not these fuck-tards? Wtf is wrong with you people?!? 

sonny41
sonny41

You left Sister Hazel off this list? Fail!

Oliver Media
Oliver Media

This list is too funny! While we can't completely agree with Skynyrd and Buffett being on the list (hell, these two keep half the bars in Florida open with their cover bands) all of the others were nails hit on the head! The top 4 are perfection!

Shawn Weaver
Shawn Weaver

Let me guess who your top 5 are. Jack off jill. Suzy cream cheese. Death becomes you. Laundry room sqwellchers baloney sandwich. The goods. Ive seen them all and i wanted my money back. 5 mins into the set

Shawn Weaver
Shawn Weaver

Let me guess the creator of this list is part of the. I DONT LIKE THE SECOND ALBULM THEY SOLD OUT . blah blah blah the whole newtimes rag is sooooo predictable and boring. .. Its time for some new people with something interesting say... To start working at this paper. ..its becoming a joke...

Mike Campbell
Mike Campbell

i love this article - it says everything i think about when it comes to bad florida bands being signed by the corporate engine.finally someone with the kahonnas to say this.

John Tracey
John Tracey

Marilyn Manson not on there at all? And Lynard Skynard? Really?

hollywouldnt
hollywouldnt

i do not agree with this list. it reads more along the lines of "successful florida bands" as opposed to shitty bands.

Victor Santana
Victor Santana

This just looks like a list of well known bands from florida. I think they could've found worse.

lonianderson1979
lonianderson1979 topcommenter

You didn't really make an argument WHY they are bad. I agree most of these suck but any idiot can make a list of bands they hate.

Bobby Brown
Bobby Brown

This list is extremely accurate, forgot Poison The Well though.

Eric Quitugua
Eric Quitugua

"And back to O-Town for some billy-goat butt-rock-lite that makes Creed look like fucking Rush." I just lost it in class. But really though, why not do a "best-of" at least? It'd be more interesting than smug hating and would give some attention to other bands that Paste Magazine missed out on for their best-of-Florida list...

Andrew Creech
Andrew Creech

Skynard should not be on that list. I agree with Ed Darko, they were probably listening to some God Awful EDM, talking about it like it was a Stravinsky piece or some shit. We don't even have a rock station, unless you're into Geriatric rock. Florida Bands Suck? More like Florida Radio, Bar/Club owners, and press *ehem* who are non existent or don't a good job

freakerdude
freakerdude

Skynyrd? Puh-lease! They are possibly Fla.s best. Now Limp Bizkit were cool for about 5 weeks and they deserve number 1!

Adrian Gonzalez
Adrian Gonzalez

deadline fodder. mildly incendiary for the sake of controversy. effective formula, though: pick commercially successful bands, shit on them: watch people react. you might be doing yourself a disservice, but at least you got paid, right?

Susy Jimenez
Susy Jimenez

I agree except for # 6, 4, & 2. WTF was the author thinking? What about 98 degrees, O-town, reo speedwagon, never shout never, metro station?!!!!! Y'all don't know how to make an accurate list.

Alex Yellen
Alex Yellen

Nothing wrong with Underoath or lynyrd skynyrd but you are right about every other group or band.

Edward Darko
Edward Darko

Lynard Skynard and Dashboard?? New times, just stop writing music opinion columns all together less you continue to ruin credibility. I bet the writer was listening to Pitt Bull and Gloria Estefan while typing. UGH...

Ezekiel Angulo
Ezekiel Angulo

Lynyrd Skynyrd?!?! Those dudes were all about smoking weed, drinking booze and having sex; classic Rock n Roll formula. They don't belong on this list. Replace them with O-Town and this list is on point.

Juan R. Pollo
Juan R. Pollo

All of these bands are/were extremely successful. I thought you were referring to bands like the Laundry Room Squelchers

guest
guest

The LS/Young dispute was actually just joking between two good friends, so maybe you want to rethink a third reason. 

MarkKemp
MarkKemp

And Shakey, of course, stands with Lynyrd Skynyrd: "Shit, I think Sweet Home Alabama is a great song. I've actually performed it live a couple of times myself."

MarkKemp
MarkKemp

And Shakey, of course, stands with Lynyrd Skynyrd: "Shit, I think Sweet Home Alabama is a great song. I've actually performed it live a couple of times myself."

MarkKemp
MarkKemp

And Shakey, of course, stands with Lynyrd Skynyrd: "Shit, I think Sweet Home Alabama is a great song. I've actually performed it live a couple of times myself."

MarkKemp
MarkKemp

And Shakey, of course, stands with Lynyrd Skynyrd: "Shit, I think Sweet Home Alabama is a great song. I've actually performed it live a couple of times myself."

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