How to Dress Like a Fort Lauderdale Spring Breaker

Categories: Things To Do
Spring Break Fort Lauderdale 2013 (3_3_2013)_by Ian Witlen-8309.jpg
Ian Witlen

All everyone who never went on a skeezy spring break romp has been talking about lately is the upcoming Harmony Korine film Spring Breakers. The trailer indicates that what you'll find poolside during the first weeks of March in South Florida, is James Franco in a horribly distracting bronze-colored grill, Zac Efron's and Justin Bieber's exes all really psyched about killing, and a whole lotta dubstep. 

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That last one is probably accurate. But we in Fort La-di-da-di-we-likes-ta-partay know that even though the film makes spring break look a lot more trouble than its worth, it's actually going to define "time of your life."

In reality, spring break is a week of vile, vomit-inducing binge drinking, humping of ugly strangers, and dealing with seriously inflamed, sunburnt flesh. In a word, it's liberating. When you're down here working on your "tan" and "meeting new people," you'll want to know how to barely cover your bum, so we put together a little primer on how to dress like a Fort Lauderdale spring breaker. 


10. Tramp Stamp or Tribal Tattoo
You may think tramp stamps are very '90s, and that no one over the age of 25 is coming to Fort Lauderdale beach over the next few weeks. But then you'd be thinking incorrectly. 

There will be tramp stamps. And if you don't have your own peeking out of your undies, how are the boys gonna know you're DTF? Those old hoes'll be flashing their slag tags and picking up the creme de la creme of dudes in tribals, i.e. your dates. Get your ink before you head South, just so there's no question about your intentions.

9. Rolled-Down from the Top Denim Cut-Offs
No one's gonna see your fart art if you don't roll those shorts down! This is one of those ghetto looks that serves a purpose: To allow you to peacock your waist, big ol' hips, and butterfly tat.

8. A Snapback
Preferably this hat is stitched with the words "Patriots" or some other team from your hometown.

7. Offensively Ugly Flip-Flops
This is one for the dudes. You have to make sure your footwear looks really "comfortable." The young ladies want to know you're not pretentious and that you're a good-time guy. The way you indicate this is by wearing the most hideous flip-flops ever, with thick straps made of light brown, fake suede. 

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Holy sh*t New Times! this is by far the most amazingly funny article ever written! Thank you thank you thank you for making me laugh until i almost pee


I'm pretty sure that Ashley chick from this film is originally from Ft Lauderdale so she prob really knows how to play the part.

Rachel R Levy Lewis
Rachel R Levy Lewis

Ugh...Thanks for the heads up. I hate the beach during spring break.


OMG. This is by far my LEAST favorite time of year. Locals, just avoid the beach... or suffer the fate of catching herpes "from a toilet seat."


@rrlevy272 No ladies, when we say watch out for crabs...we don't mean in the ocean!

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