Matt & Kim Suck! Five Acts We Would Rather See at Ultra 2013

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Wipe those grins off your stupid faces, ya shmucks!
Every year, Ultra Music Festival features curveball additions to the lineup that contrast greatly to the vociferous beatfreaking that dominates the event. Kraftwerk, New Order, the Black Eyed Peas, and Crystal Castles are all examples of the weekend's deviation from the deep-house/electro/dubstep axis.

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Normally, we applaud diversity. We don't give half a shit about the Black Eyed Peas, but, yeah, we guess it's neat they got to play on the same lineup as David Guetta.

However, the mere suggestion of the presence of ecstatic-and-adorable twee-on-crank duo Matt and Kim on the Ultra lineup offends our most core principles as not only music critics and fans but as a human fucking beings who are just trying to live, goddamn it.

No one should be smiling that much, unless they've been railing so much ketamine that they look like a cross of Cheech, Chong, and Jack Nicholson's portrayal of Batman villain the Joker.

This pair is soft. Weak. Corny. And we have five other acts we think would be substantially better additions to the lineup.

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Tupac and Biggie Holograms Make Surprise Appearance With Avicii
The best thing about holograms is that they can't make embarrassing "cool mom" jokes about club drugs because, duh, they say whatever you want them to say. Although we're pretty sure even without MDNA nimrodically namedropping MDMA, deadmau5 will nevertheless find something to hatefully Tweet about. But it definitely won't be about the lack of Matt & Kim.

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Will Ferrell's Cowbell Character Hurls Pies Into the Face of a Rolling Teenager
The role that inspired Christopher Walken to proclaim "I have a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell!" may be the exact thing this fledgling festival needs. Besides, we're tired of watching Steve Aoki smash some amphetamine'd baboon in the face with birthday cake. Bring on the cowbell and the whipped cream pies!


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