10 Reasons Beyoncé's Super Bowl Half-Time Show Totally Sucked

BEYONCESUCKEDATTHESUPERBOWL2013.jpg
We think Bey's performance at the Super Bowl was a total Super LOL.
Beyoncé's half-time show was a cultural nadir that proved once and for all that the United States of America is a pastier version of the Roman Empire about to drown in its own vomitorium.

We have at least ten reasons the pop-R&B diva's performance was the absolute worst attempt at entertaining we have ever witnessed in our history of witnessing entertainment. There's obviously stuff missing from this list, so please feel free to add to it in the comments.



10. Fuck nostalgia! Nobody cares about Destiny's Child! And performing "Singles Ladies" (a song that came out nearly a decade after their demise) alongside her old bandmates made no goddamn sense!

9. Yo, if Janet's infamous(ly beaten to death) "wardrobe malfunction" was pornographic, then (the nearly naked) Queen B just dished out the Super Bowl Half-Time Show equivalent of a snuff film.

8. There could have been more lights.

7. There could have been more holograms.

6. So while her lyrics reinforce the conservative hetero-normative matrix of love, sex, and gender roles -- three distinct categories under which, according to Beyoncé, a woman must be subservient to her (The?) man -- her dance routine is a blend of a striptease, Striptease, and the pool scene from Showgirls.

5. You realize you're ogling somebody's parent, right? How do you think Blue Ivy is gonna feel when she grows up and realizes that a generation or two of American males have masturbated to her mom.

4. Beyoncé's eyes were straight up googly. How undignified!

3. The whole thing was just promo for her "Mrs. Carter" tour. Yes, she's named her tour after her husband. Feminism is dead and Beyoncé is furiously projectile peeing (see also: firehose) all over the tombstone.

2. Speaking of Jay-Z, isn't Beyoncé, as the Roc-a-Fella mogul's wife, also a member of the Illuminati? And what does that reveal about her potential involvement in 9/11?

1. Beyoncé lip-synched at the second inauguration of President Barack Obama and should be held accountable for that and, you know, 9/11. 

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15 comments
salad
salad

"When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children listening to people who fucking rocked! I don’t care if they died in pools of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking heart! “Mommy, the man Bill told me to listen to has a blood bubble on his nose.” SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO HIM PLAY!" - Bill Hicks

luciusblight
luciusblight

Every year more of the same. It's like we're stuck in some twilight zone where idiotic pop icons regurgitate the same crap over and over into the willing mouths of America. If we can't learn as a culture to let go of the past we are never going to arrive in the future.. It seems more and more that society is nothing if it doesn't have anyone to elevate into a deity like status, humans are made to worship. By nature the majority are Idolators 


KennyPowersII
KennyPowersII topcommenter

Jugglers would have been more entertaining.

julianajuliana
julianajuliana

I think #3 was Matt's least ironic observation of the whole article (I did not know she was naming her tour "Mrs." Anything. That is indeed disheartening for the cause. Doesn't matter how much I love Jay.) And the Showgirls reference; the dancing WAS a lil' floppy, I thought it reminded me of something...

Matt Preira
Matt Preira

The question is, how much did you make leaving that comment?

Slackology
Slackology

She is a talentless troll, married to the missing link of apes.... It's laughable that she was even there.

Robbie Elias
Robbie Elias

Were we watching the same show? She was incredible!

rrlevy272
rrlevy272 topcommenter

Can I have the 30 seconds of my life back that it took to read this shitty article and type this shitty comment, please? 

rvergez
rvergez

I still think the Kid Rock show that David Von Bladder reviewed sounded worse.

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