10 Musical Genres and What it Would Be Like if You Were Addicted to Them

addictedtoheavymetal.jpg
"My name is Robert. And I'm addicted to heavy metal."
Did ya hear the one about the Swede who scored significant skrill (see also: paper, dough, m-m-moolah) for his addiciton to heavy metal?

Back in 2007, Swedish rock 'n' roll mega-enthusiast, Robert Tullgren, was awarded disability benefits by his country's government due to his obsessive-compulsive need to be perpetually listening to, wearing clothing pertaining to, and generally living Heavy Metal 

The supplemental income was intended to offset the wages the headbang-a-holic lost after he was fired for missing work because of his near-psychotic need to attend an excessive number of Heavy Metal concerts.

Recently, the story has been running a few victory laps around the blogosphere, even though Tullgren hasn't received benefits since, like, 2009. Nevertheless, the resurgence of this inspiring tale of human determination in the face of addiction has inspired us to wonder what it would look like if the drug of choice were any of the ten following musical genres.


10. Chillwave
If we were pop culture realists, we would have refrained from including chillwave because no one has given half a shit about hazy-'80s-lectro since at least 2010. Fortunate for us -- and our insatiable need to produce content, a desire-drive directly connected to our insatiable need to eat food and pay bills -- we are in the bidness of pop culture fan fiction. 

Without further ado: The Chillwave addict can be easily identified by Kanye West-style shutter-shades, a pastel green hoodie that glows under blacklights, and phonebook-sized stacks of paper filled with band names that are goofy not-puns on existing pop-culture brands and their fleshy avatars, like Com Truise or Tiger & Woods.



9. Bro-step
Bass addiction is no joke, bro. We all seen a basshead or two in our time. Y'know, the big-tees, the blunts, and the gangsta-skank during the wobble breakdown. But nobody wants to mess with bass junkies, those hairy-tongued, self-scratching tweakers with bloodshot eyes just lookin' for one last drop. They can pay you Tuesday, man, just hook it up with some'uh'dat womp.

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