Ten Things We Saw at Fiona Apple's Miami Beach Concert

Categories: Talking Shit
Marta Xochilt Perez

A friend likes to call the genre that Fiona Apple falls under "crying vagina" music. Though an accurate description, have to say, there weren't an overwhelming number crying vaginas last night at the Fillmore on Miami Beach. Maybe because it's Miami Beach and everyone's tanned and worked out. Who knows?! Ms. Apple, in keeping with the times, played miserable, tortured, lyrically intense music in the '90s when the economy was great, and plays upbeat jams with odd tempo shifts now that we're financially in the shitter. So, some vaginas were crying, others were dancing dorkily. Many were being asked not to film during the show.

See also

- Slideshow of Fiona Apple at the Fillmore Miami Beach

- Fiona Apple Arrested for Possession of Hashish
- Rick Ross Outside Fiona Apple Concert in "911" Video; Why We Know He's Hot for Fiona

A full review would likely include some facts like, Fiona looked terribly thin, her voice is magnificent and impressively stayed strong throughout the whole performance, she didn't play "Criminal." Instead of giving you the actual details, we'll describe the show through ten things we saw at the crying vagina, uh, we mean, Fiona Apple show last night.

(Hint of what's to come: Change "Fiona Apple" to "Lilith Fair" and the content remains the same.)

10. A guy in a Pearl Jam Tee
It's not the '90s, but some people still think it is.

9. A guy in a Radiohead Tee

8. Fiona Apple's muscles
Hello, pilates! This chick is jacked up. Fiona is still a fox, but a trip with us to Shake Shack at the end of the night wouldn't have hurt her none. You think after smoking all that hash she'd wanna munch on something.  

Marta Xochilt Perez

7. Lotsa, lotsa ladies

Two words: Lilith Fair.

6. A man whose hand was glued to his chick's ass in plain sight
A guy that got kicked out of trying to sneak into the good seats was petting the expanse of his lady's derriere. It was not a tap, not one horny circular rub, it was an extended massage for all to watch.

Location Info


The Fillmore Miami Beach

1700 Washington Ave., Miami Beach, FL

Category: Music

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Liz write about the artists performance and stop making fun of the people who attend you disgusting bitch.


People singing along a lot, including a big, hairy dude who could not keep himself from yelling "YEEEAAAAH!" during the quiet pauses. Ugh. No one seemed to know or care about the new songs off the fine new album, though. No wonder we got no encore. Still, I also saw her about 10 years ago in DC: outside, in a heat wave, and she had tons more energy. Something is wearing on her...


What exactly is that pose (above)?  The "squeezing a deuce out in public"?

jjcolagrande topcommenter

There was a lot of writhing, huh?


I thought she was doing yoga down there,,


You forgot the literary discussion group, sitting in front of and directly next to me.


I b!tch and complain that none of the performers I like ever want to come to Florida, and this crap is likely why.  I mean, I'm sure there are a lot of reasons - the ineducate music press being one of them (just because you stopped listening after the 90s doesn't mean that a performer stopped making relevant music).  But it's really gotta suck playing shows for a bunch of drunken troglodytes who only want to hear your hit single from decades ago and sit and chat through the rest of your work.


Granted, it's a concert and patrons are encouraged to imbibe and enjoy - but I have been going to shows down here, and around the country, for a long time and I am here to tell you the kids are NOT alright. Miami is the worst place to be a face in the crowd.


And to the witty professors to my right and in front of me - next time save yourselves the damn $70 apiece and stay home to chat instead.  You can put "Criminal" on repeat and prattle on about inane nonsense to your hearts' desire and not have to put up with anyone's side eye for doing so.



jjcolagrande topcommenter

 @STFU  drunken troglodytes? you sound like a witty professor there yourself, Prof. STFU. btw--there are plenty of educated music journalists down here. but you're right, there was a lot of chatter last night & it was annoying...

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