Heroic Action at the Retro Arcade in the Face of Blackout Videogame Drama

Categories: Nightlife
Travis Newbill
Before the fictitious poo hit the fan

​Disclaimer: The following is simply one account of the February Retro Arcade event and does not necessarily reflect what actually happened.

Saturday night, a good-sized crowd of game nerds and novice joystick wielders came together at the Retro Arcade for their monthly open play event. Like last month, the event was a great time for all... Until the machines ran out of gas. That's right, the one thing that could go wrong in a room full of videogames switched to "free play" happened.

Not everyone knows that these magical portals into pixelated worlds are fueled by a mixture of Donkey Kong urine and dark matter, but they are. The tragic loss of power happened just as this writer was about to break the world record at Pac Man. I was pissed! And everyone else was too. Instantly the scene turned into a suspicion-filled drama, with everyone trying to solve the mystery of the blackout.

Justice and order were eventually restored, but not before some heroic action, especially on the part of yours truly. Read on for an illustrated recap.

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Travis Newbill
While attendees were enjoying themselves at first, everyone was not wearing plaid shirts, to the chagrin of this duo. When the games went dark, folks immediately looked at them and suspected it was an act of revenge. They were eventually vindicated when the guy on the left explained that he used up all of his revenge energy earlier when he shaved off the guy on the right's beard for hiding his Wii controller. 

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Travis Newbill
Robert, the owner of the place, quickly attempted to refuel the machines but realized that the main line had been cut. "Oh no!" he said. He was pissed.

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Travis Newbill
All hell broke loose. And while some hopped in their cars and made a run for it, the remaining game fuel caught fire when a T-Rex burst onto the scene and started stomping on everything. It reeked of flaming dark matter and Donkey Kong pee in there!

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Travis Newbill
In order to rid the scene of the dinosaur, Rosa the Brave sought the council of the Crazy Claw Tickle Monster, who appears vicious but is actually very sweet. "So how do I get the T-Rex out of here?" she asked. "Tickle his belly!" said the creature. And so she did. And so the dinosaur was gone. Phew!

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Travis Newbill
Meanwhile, accusations were flying as to who the guilty villain may be. Here, the muscular guy in the red shirt is seen chasing down the muscular guy in the white shirt in order to ask him a few questions.

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Travis Newbill
The blue foos team blamed the yellow foos team, and the yellow foos team blamed the blue foos team...

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Travis Newbill
Andrea blamed Steven, even as he wept at the frozen Donkey Kong screen and begged the ape for urine. The division between loved ones was heartbreaking!

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Travis Newbill
Suddenly, I realized that this guy was still playing a game, and he was wearing a shirt that clearly stated that he was the villain! I heroically called out for someone to do something.

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Travis Newbill
Then, this kid shot him from the left...

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Travis Newbill
And this kid shot him from the right. The villain was defeated! Hooray!

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Travis Newbill
Is that a demon in your chest, or are you just happy that the villain was defeated? Both! And, cool pants!

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Rosa Mia Hernandez
My heroic duty had been accomplished, so I hopped in this speedboat and fled the scene. "So long, suckers!"

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