Lloyd's "She's All I Want for Christmas" Lacks These Ten Suggestive Holiday Themes
Lloyd's most recent album, King of Hearts, resonated with us for its tunefulness, its soulfulness, and its naughtiness. "Dedication to My Ex (Miss That)" is not about a kitten, OK? Although the R&B singer can be nice in conversation, he admitted that "it's rather natural to love two women at once." So it's a little surprising that his holiday tune has a serious monogamous streak: "All that I want for Christmas is that girl."
But that's OK, because surely that means he'll make some clever references to a mistletoe mounted directly over his peppermint stick, right? Right?!?
Sadly, this is not Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas Is You" meets the Lonely Island's "Dick in a Box."
10. There is no Yule log.
9. Where are the sugarplums dancing in Lloyd's bed?
8. A nice set of ornaments could really dress up his tree.
7. Nothing wrapped up and nothing being unwrapped.
6. No one's bells are ringing or voices singing.
5. No long, dangling icicle.
4. No merry gentlemen or maids a-milking.
3. Sex of Christmas Past? Nothing of the sort.
2. Not even a grown-up Cindy Lou Who.
1. He's not even dreaming of a "wet Christmas."
Just some snow melting. Bah. Surely you can think of some more wasted opportunities.
The seductive cover art comes closest to living up to the ideal concept here, which would be far more lascivious than "They say that Christmas is the season to give/Well, that's perfect 'cause I've got a lot I want to give." Add a very cheap-sounding brass keyboard line played mercilessly fast -- like a Maxwell record played double time -- and it's only his well-worn MJ inflections keeping this from being a full-on lump of coal.
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