Three Signs That You're a Trailer Park Boy

Too many stodgy old farts, Broadway isn't what it used to be, now that nearly all of the productions are based on movies, TV shows or previous productions, and -- these days -- every patron shows up dressed like a slob. Hey, sounds like a good time to us.

If you're equally sick-and-tired as hell of frou-frou, chi-chi musicals and plays, might we recommend the Trailer Park Boys' "Drunk, High and Unemployed Tour," which hits Fort Lauderdale's Parker Playhouse on Saturday.

The tour features the three main players from Showtime's cult fan-favorite original series Trailer Park Boys, detailing the lurid (often hilarious) exploits of Canadian conmen forever damned to Sunnyvale Trailer Park. To pass the time, they booze hard, burn mad reefer, and constantly scheme any which way they can to make some cash, which always results in arrest-laden finales followed by the "fresh out of jail" season openers.

Not sure that you're really ready for an up-close peak into the lurid lifestyles of Ricky, Julian, and, of course, Bubbles? Or maybe you're worried you relate just a little too much. Well, check the jump for sure-fire signs that you yourself are a bona fide Trailer Park Boy.

3. You Drink So Much That You're Postdrunk

For a true Trailer Park Boy, drinking is like breathing. Have you ever seen Julian not holding his signature whiskey (rum?) and Coke? Jim Lahey is an absolutely incinerating alcoholic, and look where it got him. He's the supervisor of a whole trailer park! Pour up.

2. You Smoke Two Joints in the Morning; You Smoke Two Joints at Night

Pay attention real close to this one, because it is a critical bridge between the substance abuse of number three and the material motivations of number one. Marijuana is both a hobby/lifestyle/way-of-being AND a tremendous source of income. Awesome, right? All you have to do is set up a grow house (piece of cake), cultivate without letting the park supervisor catch a whiff (if you're dealing with Lahey, you're fine; he long ago drank away his sense of smell), and then -- bam! -- sell to all neighbors, family members, and local high school students.

1. You Are Unemployed Like the Sky Is Blue, Water Is Wet, Etc.

This is why you need to sell dope, man. You're broke as a joke! And you've got court fees to pay off and a burning desire to move the eff out of Sunnyvale, or at least get some extra cash to trick out the trailer. Or buy more dope. And booze.

Trailer Park Boys' "Drunk, High, and Unemployed Tour." Saturday, October 22. Parker Playhouse. 707 NE Eighth St., Fort Lauderdale. Show starts at 8 p.m., and tickets cost $31.50 to $36.50 through parkerplayhouse.com.