¿Que Pasa, M.I.A.?: How To Get The Ladies

To get an introduction to Jose El Rey (if you actually need one!) and to read last week's installment of his weekly Crossfade column, Que Pasa, M.I.A?, click here.

Maybe it's my moustache. Maybe it's the gel in my hair. Perhaps, and most likely, it's the manner in which I dress that makes all the dudes ask me so many questions on how to get (and get with) the ladies. I get asked for "how to pick up chicks" advice at least twice a day. When I was younger I needed the tips and tricks to pick up the chicks. Up until recently, I questioned my qualifications in this department. No longer do I question -- now, I answer.

In fourth grade, when all the boys and girls started going steady, I wanted in. I wanted to go with someone. I wanted to hold some hands. Kiss some French. So, I chose a girl that I recognized and asked her to be my girlfriend. I walked up to Lily Danger and, in a Cookie Monster voice, asked her, "Do you want to go steady?" She said no. So the first rule is: Do not ask ladies to be your girlfriend in a Cookie Monster voice.
That rejection stunted my romantic growth, and kept me in my head and afraid of girls until I heard that my cousin Benny's neighbor Natalie thought I was cute. I met her the day after Halloween; she was singing "My Achey-Breaky Heart" along with her brother. They were doing a choreographed dance. I was not sure if I liked her, but I was sure she thought I was cute. So, when I asked her to go out (not in a Cookie Monster voice), she said yes. We kissed on the lips and held hands. She was also into softball, basketball, and beating up her brother. Years later, she was also into girls. Only girls. Rule two: If a girl thinks you're cute or handsome you can ask her to go out. But, years later she may turn out to be a lesbian.

Last Thursday a lesbian friend of mine confessed to me that her and all her lesbian friends have crushes on me. Am I womanly? Am I lady-like? She assured me that it is my moustache and manliness that turns them on. I wonder what the future lesbian saw in me. She probably liked my eyelashes.

As I grew older, I learned that maybe it wasn't so important what women think of my eyelashes and appearance. It is more important what I think of their eyelashes and appearances. I started walking up to girls and asking for their beeper numbers, any girl I thought was cute. Many said no But, living through the rejection was exciting. Rule three: No matter what, asking for a beeper number is exciting.

Yesterday, I wanted to get a taste of this rejection feeling, so I spent an entire day using canned pick-up lines on girls. Offering them water because they looked hot. Telling them they didn't need anymore sugars in their coffees because it's unhealthy and they are sweet enough, and asking them if they would go out with a guy that looks like me. None of them rejected me. They heard me out. I was unprepared; I thought they'd laugh in my face or send me to carajo or something. Rule four: Women (and bees) sense fear. Fear is unattractive. Courage and bravery are super-sexy.

Gentlemen -- and ladies who like ladies -- you need not ask me again "how to pick up chicks." I've told you how, and this is guaranteed to work all the time, sometimes. Now, please start asking me other questions. I've been dying for someone to ask me about sports or eating habits.