What Your Drink Says About You
We know -- it's not nice to stereotype. But it takes a seasoned bartender only a moment to deduce all he needs to know. Just order your drink.
The supercomputer that is a bartender's brain will quickly process all the input -- the amount of time it takes you to order a drink, the drink choice, and your reaction -- and make a few observations.
We called in an expert on drinking psychology, veteran bartender George Attard of Fort Lauderdale. He's been slinging drinks for 20-odd years and currently works at Bokamper's sports bar. He shared some of his behind-the-counter insights.
To Attard, when a patron takes ten minutes to choose a beer when there are only five on tap, it's a dead giveaway that this person may be annoying. Worse yet, to really piss off a bartender is to order a fruity-muddled drink that takes five minutes to concoct when the bartender has a line of 20 thirsty people on a Friday night. That'll earn someone a big score on the jerk points card.
So that drink you're clutching may not totally define you as a person, but it does offer a clue. Here, Attard goes through ten drinks and what they signify about you.
Domestic Draft Beers
These fizzy, light beers typically seen on draft at nearly every watering hole include Miller Light, Bud Light, and Coors. They are among the most popular types of beer ordered in the country. According to Attard, these popular brews have a blue-collar stigma. "When you are a CEO, it's not likely you order a Bud Light," he says. On the flip side, "When someone orders a Guinness, they are someone who likes beer. Guinness drinkers tend to be cooler as opposed to Miller Light drinkers." And when a woman orders a Guinness with a shot of whiskey? "She is worship-worthy. These are not amateur drinks."
As the craft-beer movement has swept the nation, the trend slowly trickled down to South Florida. "In Florida, craft-beer drinkers seem to be less douchey and rather, they're people who tend to be more open-minded and can get beyond the light finish of a Miller Light," says Attard.
Long Island Iced Tea
Attard admits he's never served a 60-year-old this heavily boozed-up cocktail. According to our bartender buddy, the 30-and-younger crowd tends to order this, not surprisingly, for one reason -- to get smashed. "It's all booze. It's sweet and goes down smooth," he says.
Order this and your bartender will know you are a serious drinker who knows how to savor a refined beverage. "Grand Marnier is a popular bartenders' shot," explains Attard.
Ordering this says to the bartender: "I want a big glass of vodka!" But this one can have dual meanings. If a guy orders a dirty martini, it could mean he's classy. If a woman orders one, it signals "she's hardcore. She likes to drink, and she's badass." Or it could just mean the drinker -- of either gender -- is pretentious. "A younger drinker, wannabe who saw it on a movie and is trying to appear classy without knowing how to be," he says.
This drink is seen as a safe bet. "Wine in itself is not very approachable for a lot of people, but white wine is a safe drink choice," says Attard. However, if the person is ordering a glass of white to pair with a dish, then you have on your hands a savvy sipper.
"Sometimes people get a shot and a beer; that's a different story," explains Attard. "When a frat boy with an open shirt down to his navel orders one, the person tends to be a douche." Enough said.
Ordering this salt festival/ tomato concoction signals "I'm recuperating from last night," Attard says.
On a Monday night, when you order a mojito, Attard says he'll make the best one you ever had. "But if you order one when I'm four people deep, I'm going to look at you like, 'Are you fucking kidding me?'" And to make it clear, "You don't order a mojito on a busy Friday night from a bartender, ever," he warns.
"If you are jonesing for whiskey and coffee and you go to the bar, it's weird," Attard says and admits he doesn't mix a lot of these caffeine-fueled drinks. "Someone who does order this has quirky tendencies."
These cocktails take some handiwork, as they require unusual mixers or resurrecting older drink recipes like Old Fashions. Certain meticulous recipes go so far as to focus on the sort of ice cube that is used. Thanks, Don Draper. It's no surprise that a person with an adventurous palate would opt for a house-infused bacon bourbon or a dill-cucumber sake martini. Attard says handcrafted cocktails can mislead patrons, as they sometimes sound better on paper. "There's those who think the cocktail sounds appealing but end up sorely mistaken."
George Attard tends bar at Bokamper's Sports Bar & Grill in Miramar. He's been in-the-biz for 20-odd years now. His least favorite drink to make is any frozen, fruity beverage, as he smirks, "What do you want, a Popsicle?"
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