Happy Weekend! Here Are Five Strangers Who Could Ruin Your Picnic

By Tricia Woolfenden Fri., Aug. 5 2011 at 8:02 AM

Categories: Food Fight, Musings

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Schoschie via Creative Commons

"This next song is also about my ex-girlfriend Moonray. It's called 'Soul of a Dragon-Hearted Angel'."

As Floridians, we're fortunate enough to have picnic weather year-round plus acres of beautiful beach and public park space on which to spread a blanket or fire up a grill to enjoy al fresco dining with friends and family. Unfortunately, having the ideal setting doesn't always mean you'll be sharing the space with people who respect your desire for a d-bag-free day. Here are five of the strangers most likely to ruin your picnic this weekend:

5. The idiot who feeds the raccoons/seagulls/pigeons - This misplaced act of altruism guarantees that everyone at your picnic will be unnecessarily exposed to possible rabies/mange/bird poop on the head.

4. The lady who won't pick up after her dog - Nothing says "I feel ready for a pile of barbequed ribs" like spending 15 minutes cleaning off the bottom of your flip-flop using a stick and a Publix receipt.

3. Sports show-offs - These brahs have a genetically programmed compulsion to violently throw the football back and forth no less than 5 feet from your grandmother's face as she attempts to take a bite of her "Happy 100" cake at the family picnic.

2. The man - Cops with their open-intox tickets, park rangers and their "Please keep the flames on the grill below the tree line sir," the ER nurse and her "You shouldn't have consumed coleslaw that sat in the back of your PT Cruiser all morning"...authority figures are natural party poopers - they can't help themselves.

1. The guy with the acoustic guitar - He passes by half a mile of empty sand only to set up shop 20 yards from your family's picnic on the beach. Close enough to hear all of the noodling and every tenderly--if feebly--strummed note, yet just out of potato chip-pelting range.

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