Putting the Whoop in Whoopie: Aphrodisiac Foods for Valentines

By Bill Citara Thu., Feb. 10 2011 at 6:00 AM

Categories: The List

In the days when "modern medicine" meant bleeding, leeches and sacrifices of small animals, there was no little blue pill to turn a limp noodle into a Large and Terrible Shaft of Rigid, Throbbing Steel. So our primitive ancestors had to rely on more, ah. . .. natural means to vanquish the law of penile gravity or the, "Not tonight, honey, I have a headache," dodge.

There are many foods that over the centuries have been said to be aphrodisiacs, and though some of these claims cannot be confirmed by contemporary science, science can't explain Glenn Beck, either. Therefore, as a pre-Valentine's Day public service, Charlie has compiled a brief list of culinary aphrodisiacs, most of which are available at your local Publix.

Not that you would need them, of course. But your friend might.

Oysters. You don't need to be a cunning linguist to look at a freshly shucked oyster and think it looks like. . . you know. After all, Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love, rose out of the sea on an oyster shell, and oysters are known to be high in zinc, a key element in the production of testosterone.

Chocolate. Believers in the lustful properties of chocolate range from the GFs of Sex and the City to the ancient Aztecs. In fact, Montezuma, that rockin' ruler, was said to drink up to 50 cups of chocolate a day to better satisfy his harem of 600 (!) women, which makes you wonder why Hershey isn't producing Viagra.

Honey. A lot of historical evidence here too. Hippocrates allegedly prescribed honey to sweeten up Athenians' love lives. And Attila the Hun, not exactly a sweetheart of a guy, was said to have drunk himself to death on the stuff not long after his marriage, giving new meaning to the word "honeymoon."

Lentils. Lentils? Yes, lentils. Old Hippocrates, who apparently had sex on the brain, also recommended these humble legumes to keep lead in manly pencils. Aristotle supposedly did too. Ditto the ancient Egyptians, perhaps one reason why ancient Egyptian women sent their menfolk off to build all those pyramids.

Avocados. Going back to 200 B.C., the Aztecs called the avocado "ahuacuatl," which translates as "testicle tree" for two fairly obvious reasons, and thought its soft, creamy flesh had just the opposite effect on their own. Interestingly, "avocado" resembles the word for "lawyer" in French and Italian, though its true translation is probably "prick."

Bananas. If oysters are suggestive of female anatomy, this tropical fruit is equally suggestive of "the package." An Islamic tale indicates that Adam and Eve covered their naughty parts with banana leaves rather than fig leaves, likely giving rise to the saying, "Is that a banana in your pants or are you just glad to see me?"

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