The Sinister Secret Meanings Behind Valentine's Day Candy

Categories: Food Holidays

Let's face it. Valentine's Day is this big made-up holiday that was invented by the flower, candy and card industries to shame people into buying their crap at least one day out of the year.  Sure, the guy you're seeing bought you some candy and took you to Denny's for a romantic Grand Slam last year. But that candy - that innocent box of candy is fraught with more secret meanings than the Mona Lisa. We've decoded some Valentine's Day candy so you'll really know what your lover meant when he gave you those bon bons.

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 "I cringe every time my cell phone rings because I think it's you trying to accuse me of sleeping with that cute secretary down the hall or asking me to watch your cat for the weekend.  Enjoy the candy you high-maintenance bitch".

 

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"This chick is way hotter than you, PLUS she likes NASCAR.  I bet she wouldn't nag me constantly to get a job. By the way, I think you're so dumb, I put a sticker on it that says there's candy inside.  Just in case you thought it contains a live snake".

 

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"The bad news it that it's not a rash. The good news is that the doctor says it's easily curable".

 

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"Not only am I cheating on you, but it's with your best friend, the coworker that gets on your nerves (but has a great rack) and the Starbucks Barrista who gave me an extra shot of hazelnut.

 

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"You know that ring you've been waiting for?  Here it is".

 

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​"I found out you're real age and baby...you're no Demi Moore".


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1 comments
Andrea
Andrea

Haha, this is effin hilarious!

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