Nine Ways to Order Meat-Free Without Annoying Your Server
|"OK. Meatball sub, hold the meatball; extra saliva."|
Since those of us who aren't down with the bacon and beef are liable to run into awkward gastronomical situations from time to time (an obligatory work meeting at a restaurant where everything on the menu previously had a pulse or a blind date at a Ted Nugent imagined restaurant) it pays to have a back-up plan to simply "being polite," tipping well, and making do with a side salad and stale roll.
Below are 9 things to say when ordering meatfree so your server won't hate you:
9. "It's the damnedest thing. I'm allergic to all animal proteins...Except cheddar. Feel free to pile that shit on there."
8. "I had open heart surgery earlier this week and my doctor has suggested I downgrade from six bacon-wrapped steaks a day to something like this spinach quiche here on the menu, minus the ham chunks."
7. When you see the server approaching to take your order, turn to someone else at your table and "casually" say just loud enough for them to hear; "It's strange. Every time I eat something meatfree in a restaurant I wind up tipping, like, 35% and I never realize 'til I get home that my math was off."
6. "My boyfriend bet me $500 bucks that I couldn't go one month without meat." (Bonus points if someone in your group sneaks in a subtle That's what she said.)
5. "For every dollar I save on not ordering meat in a restaurant this month, I'm donating two to save orphaned golden doodle puppies and injured baby otters."
4. "I'm just so jaded and heartbroken after the Taco Bell thing that I can't bring myself to love another seasoned beef."
3. "I'm paying penance for eating nothing but pork chops in 2010. Literally. Nothing but chops."
2. "It's not my fault. My hippie, bunny-hugging girlfriend made me watch a triple feature of 'Food Inc.', 'Fast Food Nation' and 'Super Size Me' last night."
1. "I'll have a side salad, a roll, and your most expensive bottle of wine."
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