New Year's Resolutions Destined to Fail -- Because Sinister Restaurants Move in Next Door to the Gym (A Photo/ Video Tour)

Categories: Musings
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How many points are in 31 flavors?
Call me paranoid, but there are a few conspiracy theories I ascribe to. I believe that Elvis is alive, Oswald didn't act alone, and those shiny satellites up in the sky must be the dirty government trying to hijack our minds. It's a scary, deceiving world out there, folks.

But worse than all that, there is one conspiracy that really has my basil in a chiffonade -- commercial eateries want us to fail. That's right. Why else would restaurants, bars, and ice cream shops set up business right beside gyms and weight loss centers? They know that we packed on the LBs this holiday and that we're flocking to these places to correct the problem. Hey, the weight gain isn't totally your fault. This friggin' blog has you making a new recipe nearly every day. The Finnish sautéed reindeer, bourbon eggnog, and ham-and-cheese casserole made you fat, but your New Year's resolution (the same one you've made for the past ten years) will have you back in your tapered skinny jeans in no time.

To prove my conspiracy theory, I drove around (in disguise and with altered license plates, of course) and found a few businesses that are out to get you.

LA Fitness & Temptation Plaza



On the way to kickboxing class at the LA Fitness in Coconut Creek, you will pass four eateries begging for your business. After a Cheesecake Fantasy ice cream waffle cone, Ropa Vieja, a Smokehouse Turkey sandwich, and a slice of pepperoni pizza, you should have lots of energy to roundhouse up a storm.

enCore Pilates & Shuck-N-Dive


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Shuck-N-Dive wants to fill your core with Cajun evil.

Pilates is really good for your core. You know what else is? Cajun-Creole Southern soul-food goodness at the Shuck-N-Dive in Fort Lauderdale.

Weight Watchers Hollywood & Offerdahl's

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A bagel and cream cheese has 12 points. :(

How many points are in an everything bagel with scallion cream cheese? About 12. Yikes. Since you only have eight points left, thank goodness there is a meeting next door to discuss how to make those remaining points really last.

Zoo Health Club Plaza, Smoothie Kafe, & Treasure Trove


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$1 Tacos will infiltrate your Boot Camp.

After the physically unrealistic Boot Camp at the Zoo (A1A, Fort Lauderdale Beach) with the insane instructor who is literally dressed in fatigues, tuck yourself into a ball and roll next door to Treasure Trove for $1 TACO TUESDAYS! There is nothing like the crunch of a deep-fried tortilla washed down with a frosty cold beer to soothe those aching muscles. (Unfortunately Smoothie Kafe next door is no longer in operation.)

Quick Weight Loss Centers

Quick Weight Loss Centers can be tricky to find. Thanks to their informative website, restaurants are used as landmarks!
  • Deerfield Beach/Lighthouse Point is "Behind Hops"
  • Fort Lauderdale is "Next to Miami Subs"
  • Plantation/Sunrise is "Just NORTH of International House of Pancakes"
  • Coral Springs is "To the right of Publix"
eatery QuickWeightLoss2.jpg


Follow Clean Plate Charlie on Twitter: @CleanPlateBPB.



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The Girl Scouts want you to fail, too. The evil little diet saboteurs will be out selling their cookies in about 3 weeks. I haven't had one in 10 years because I'm usually still on my New Year's diet at that time. For once I'd like to see them go on sale in May. I wonder how many more people would buy them because they've given up on their diet (or lost the weight) by then.

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