'Cause if you didn't, you're out of luck, bub.
Up until yesterday, for about $265, you could order one on Amazon. They work great. Anyone can install one in seconds with a penknife and some packing tape.
But after doctors started their obligatory hand-wringing, saying the kit somehow wasn't "safe" and could put your "life in jeopardy" and all that other Chicken Little crap they always spew, they ruined the party.
The real reason for the bypass backlash?
Surgery, especially abdominal surgery, is hella-fun. And these so-called surgeons want to keep all that fun for themselves.
Because a gastric bypass operation is about as complicated as putting together an IKEA coffee table! First, you just
divide the small bowel about 45 cm (18 inches) below the lower stomach outlet and rearrange it into a Y
configuration, to enable outflow of food from the small upper stomach pouch, via a "Roux limb."
In the proximal version, the Y intersection is formed near the upper (proximal) end of the small bowel.
The Roux limb is constructed with a length of 80 to 150 cm (31 to 59 inches), preserving most of the small bowel for absorption of nutrients.
You could be saving your own life hooking up one of these bypass thingies. The long-term mortality rate of gastric bypass patients has been shown to be reduced by up to 40 percent. Of course, complications are common, and surgery-related death can occur within one month in 2 percent of patients.
That's why the instructions are in English, French, and Spanish and include illustrations.
Hey -- can't hurt to try, right? Hand me that packing tape...
Follow Clean Plate Charlie on Twitter: @CleanPlateBPB.