Must-See TV: Six Food Shows We'd Like to Watch in 2011
Face it, in not all that many years, we've become a bunch of jaded foodie voyeurs, requiring our gourmet heroes to go further and further to satisfy our lustful cravings. Since in America nothing succeeds like excess, here are six shows that boldly go where no TV production has had the cast-iron gonads to go before.
You get the whips and chains; I'll get the milk and cookies.
Dogs, Dumps, and Disasters. Guy Fieri ditches the '67 Camaro for a vintage ambulance equipped with state-of-the-art stomach pump as he searches for America's favorite crappy restaurants. In each episode, he chokes down dishes like "burrata cheese stuffed with fresh strawberries cooked in amaretto and vanilla bean" while proclaiming, "That's a triple homicide in Flavortown!"
Celebrity Chef Deathmatch. Watch Rachael Ray bitch-slap Martha Stewart in a Perky versus Sullen grudge match. Snark along with Anthony Bourdain as he slices and dices Padma Lakshmi with his razor-sharp tongue. Marvel at Mario Batali and Tyler Florence going after each other, sumo style. Thrill as Giada De Laurentiis puts Tom Colicchio down for the count with a single butt of her enormous head.
Sarah's Home Cookin'. In preparation for her 2012 presidential campaign, Sarah Palin stalks the wilds of effete East and West Coast cities, hunting the wily Liberal-Terrorist-Socialist-Muslim. After dispatching the animal with a blast of her powerful moose gun, she skins and guts it and prepares it in a variety of dishes, serving them to Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Karl Rove, and other right-thinking gourmands.
Eat Me. Finally free of the need to pretend he can actually relate to normal human beings, Alton Brown stars in this new series of annoyingly pompous lectures about food and cooking, complete with stupid props and sophomoric skits, proving that even though he looks like a geek and has the personality of a tarantula, he knows more about food than you ever will.
Throw Up With Iron Chef Bobby Flay. Bobby travels the country trying to keep from gagging as he challenges home cooks to Battle Green Bean Casserole and other abominations, all to show that a chef who once had talent will do anything to keep his face on the idiot box. Bonus: Bobby tries to smile without looking like his producer is holding a cattle prod to his nuts off-camera.
The Real Deadliest Catch. Five teams of blue-collar Americans journey into one of the most dangerous places in the world: industrial food-production facilities. Team members will eat salmonella-contaminated eggs, ground beef laced with e. coli, and farmed salmon that swims in its own shit. The team that eats the most wins free cremation and their ashes scattered over the toxic waste dump of their choice.