Five Airplane Foods Not to Spill on Your Junk

By Lisa Rab Thu., Dec. 30 2010 at 12:13 PM

Categories: Food Fight, Musings, The List

Flickr user: kthread

Why must you drink these on planes?

News broke this week of a 50-year-old man from Gulf Breeze who allegedly had an unfortunate incident with Tabasco sauce on a flight to Idaho. He told police he spilled the sauce on his lap, causing uncontrollable burning and itching. The 17-year-old girl sitting next to him thought he was whacking off. You decide who to believe.

Meanwhile, as the holiday season winds down, many people are eating things on airplanes they would never ordinarily ingest. Usually, these items cost eight bucks and taste like cardboard. Here are a few foods that should never be served above 30,000 feet, lest they get anywhere near your private parts.

5. Mayo. Always served in a tiny package you're forced to open with your teeth; terrible staining potential.

4. Jalapeño ranch dressing. Must we invite hot peppers into this situation, when a basic vinaigrette would suffice?

3. Caramel dipping sauce. Served with slices apples; certain to make the rest of your trip a sticky mess.

2. Wasabi. And yet refrigerated, bland airport sushi is so popular these days.

1. Bloody Mary. Why do so many people order this drink on planes? Are you really so hung over that you want spicy tomato juice all over your lap?