Four Foods (Other than Fishsticks) Kanye West Could Use to Choke a South Park Writer
|photo by david_shankbone via flickr|
Back in April 2009, "South Park," an animated series known for its relentless attacks on all things self-important, roasted the rapper/producer/the best thing that happened to Twitter/the worst thing that happened to George W. Bush in an episode titled, "Fishsticks." More than a year later, West has finally retaliated with a line found on his new album, which leaked online earlier this week.
Yeezy raps, "Choke a 'South Park' writer with a fishstick" on a track titled, "Gorgeous." While choking Matt Stone and/or Trey Parker with a fishstick would be cleverly ironic, it may not actually be all that effective. I've found something wrong with attempting asphyxiation with a very chewable food. Seriously, you couldn't even kill Kenny with a fishstick.
I definitely don't want to see anyone choke, especially not the guys who've given us 14 seasons of hilarious social commentary and fart jokes. But I thought I'd be helpful by providing a list of foods that would serve as a better weapon for West on his quest for revenge against the cartoon collaborators.
4. Hard Candy
The Internet isn't all porn, celebrity gossip and food blogs. There's also a shitload of websites, message boards and blogs dedicated to parents talking to and about other parents. Kanye spends a lot of his time wandering the world wide web, usually reading about himself (Hi Kanye!), but had he somehow manged to land on, LADaddy.com or any of the other billion blogs written by parents, he would've known that people with kids hate it when other people with kids bust out Jolly Ranchers, Sweetarts or other hard candies. Why? Because it's really easy to choke on hard candy.
According to a very old school study by the office of New York's chief medical examiner found in a Time Magazine article from 1973, steak is the food most responsible for death by choking. It accounts for 90% of choking fatalities. Steak would probably work on most animators, but Parker played Alfred Packer in Cannibal! The Musical which means he's probably really good at chewing on meat.
1. Hot Dogs
Choking out the guys who turned the Chicago native's hit "Heartless" into the auto-tuned absurdity that was "Gay Fish" with a hot dog would be a clever choice, and not just for its pauseworthy comedic value either. Apparently, the wiener is a popular item to gag on. According to the Journal of the American Medical Association hot dogs accounted for 17 percent of food-related asphyxiations. So many kids choke on them, that the American Academy of Pediatricians recently urged manufacturers to redesign the hot dog. Kanye knows all about a redesign, his new album cover was modified more times than we can count.
Now that Kanye is equipped with better food weaponry options, our advice for Matt and Trey is run away fast as you can.